Want to Improve Your Relationship? Let’s find Out How To Lovingly Complain To Your Spouse
Lodging valid complaints to your partner can be a sensitive and scary proposition. And yet, if you don’t voice your complaint, resentment and bitterness can build, eventually resulting in explosive behavior that will damage or possibly end the relationship.
First of all, you need to determine if your complaint is valid or not. A valid complaint is one in which you address an issue that the other person has the power to do something about. To complain to your partner about something over which they have no control may only frustrate or annoy them. It creates a hostile environment and makes you a “whiner, “not a winner.
Below you will find a list of “don’t s and dos” to help you as you consider how to make your complaints to your partner so that you can
both win.
DON’Ts
- Don’t wait! Complain asap. You don’t want to let your complaints pile up until they form a mountain of grievances that overwhelm your spouse. Dean with each grievance individually as it comes up, and then your spouse can respond to each one and not be confused by which one to address first.
- Don’t hint. Thinking that hinting around will send your partner the message is just an exercise in futility. Your spouse is most likely oblivious to the issue, or you wouldn’t need to be addressing it in the first place.
- Don’t nag. Nagging never works! Let me repeat: nagging never works! All that nagging does is make your spouse defensive at best or cause them to tune you out entirely at worst. They may go along with you for a short time just to get you off of their back, but it won’t be long until they revert to their old patterns and behaviors.
- Don’t demand. Demands are particularly dangerous to your relationship because they often come with stated or implied threats if they are not met. As scripture states, “Love never demands its own way.” If you find yourself making demands, you are not loving, and your relationship is likely in jeopardy already.
- Don’t blame. Blaming is evidence of unhealed pain in you. Fixing the blame never fixes the problem or resolves the issue. It only serves to alienate the two of you and causes one or both of you to become defensive.
- Don’t judge and assign a motive. Don’t presume that you know everything about the situation and what is happening in your spouse’s mind and heart. Don’t think that you understand their motive and therefore judge them based on it.
- Don’t set it up as “right” or “wrong.” Most grievances or complaints are not about moral issues, i.e., right or wrong. Casting it as a moral issue makes it appear that you are “riding your high horse” and putting yourself and your viewpoint above theirs.
- Don’t defend. If you approach your spouse with a case that supports your position and perception of the situation, you will set up a courtroom environment.
DO’s
- Do start gently. Choose the right moment in which you are both calm and not tired, angry, or hungry. Use gentle tones and soft touches. A relaxed and peaceful atmosphere is best.
- Do share your feelings. Make yourself vulnerable and transparent on the issue. Let your spouse see your hurt and your pain, not your anger. As stated, don’t blame or defend or judge. Use statements such as, “I feel_______,” “I need _______, “ “This is important to me because________,” etc.
- Do be clear and specific. For example, if you want to complain about household chores, say something like, “I am feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of taking care of the household? Can we talk about how to manage this part of our lives better?” Or, if you want to register a complaint with your spouse about the use of the credit card, you might say, “I’m concerned that we become financially free. Can we talk about the use of the credit card?”
- Do own your part of it. Be genuinely humble and start by admitting what you have done that contributes to the issue. To stay with the examples above: “I know that I often leave dirty dishes overnight, “or “I often don’t communicate with you about our finances.”
- Do ask them about their point of view. Seek to understand their mindset and their viewpoint on the issue. For example, “In your home growing up, how were the household duties handled? “or “What is your biggest fear about not having enough money?” These types of conversations can open hearts and minds and take your relationship to another level.
- Do say what you need. Don’t suppress or deny your needs that aren’t being met. Chances are, if your spouse is approached in the ways that are suggested here, they will be willing to make the changes and adjustments necessary to meet your need.
