How Parenting Can Strengthen Your Marriage
Current research reveals that marital satisfaction can decline significantly when a couple has a child. No doubt sleepless nights are a factor, as are unmet expectations of what parenting would be like and the extra stress of holding down a job while caring for a baby. Close to 70% of new moms, in particular, report a marked decline in their overall satisfaction with their marriage. Gen-X marriages are even more dissatisfied than their parents were after the first baby. And they are reporting increased unhappiness with each child that is added to the family. Transitioning from lovers to parents is, for many couples, a painful and challenging process.
However, even more recent research is showing what many wise couples have always known: becoming parents can strengthen – and
sweeten – your relationship. Newsweek magazine called parenting “The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Love.” Unfortunately, many couples don’t have the skills or tools to strengthen their marriages when facing the overwhelming stresses of parenthood. Here are some helpful ideas to help you grow closer together through the experiences of parenting, no matter what your child’s age.
View Parenting as a Purpose
While parenting need not be your entire purpose in life, it is an incredibly important purpose that you and your spouse can fulfill together. Dedicating to learning together how to be good parents is one of the most unifying things you can do for your marriage. Communicating, brainstorming, and problem solving the issues that arise in raising a child can solidify you as a team. Your love and appreciation for your “teammate” will grow throughout the years.
Get on the Same Page
To provide a unified front with your child(ren), you need to be on the same page as your spouse. This will provide consistency and security for your children and clarity and cohesiveness for the two of you. You will need to communicate well and get into alignment on such topics as:
- Discipline
- Spirituality
- Family Rules
- Family Boundaries
- Family Traditions and Holidays
- Family rituals and practices
Be Transparent and Vulnerable
You will face challenges as parents that will frighten you. In healthy parenting, both of you will have to make lifestyle changes which may not be easy for you to do. You will need to laugh, cry, and talk about how you are being affected by raising children. Stay honest and open about your fears and concerns that are a natural part of parenting. And when you do something right, when you experience a victory in guiding and providing for your child, share and celebrate that as well!
Support Each Other
Figure out what you need from each other so that you can help and be supportive of one another. One of the best ways to support one another is to admire your spouse’s parenting and let them know it! If you agree with and respect your spouse’s parenting, your connection as a couple will grow deeper. If you don’t, a wedge will inevitably develop between the two of you.
Develop a Support Network
You will need the support and encouragement of other parents. Intentionally develop friendships with others who are on this “parenting journey.” It is typically more accessible for women to find these kinds of supportive friendships with other women than for men to develop them with other men. Often churches or religious organizations provide opportunities for people in the parenting stage of life to be a part of a group. Participating in studies and conferences on parenting will also broaden your network and support base.
Don’t be Surprised by Anything!
In other words, expect the unexpected. There is only so much control that we can have as parents. Situations will arise for which you are not prepared. Count on it! Don’t panic. You will get through it. Take a deep breath and, together with your spouse, face and deal with it. You certainly don’t want to pull away from each other or, worse, blame your spouse. No doubt others have dealt with the same issue and survived, and so will you!
Admire Your Spouse
Constant criticism will create resentment from your partner-in-parenting. However, we all can grow and improve from feedback if we are open to it and if it is given in the right spirit. If you disagree with how they have handled a situation, pick an appropriate time and place to discuss it. Look for opportunities to admire and affirm your mate’s parenting or a positive character trait that you see in them. Appreciation and admiration should become part of your everyday interaction.
Be a Team
Don’t operate as “me” but as “we.” You are in this together. Yes, you may have a great way, in your opinion, to resolve an issue that arises in parenting. However, check with your mate for their thoughts on the matter whenever possible. They may have a perspective that you hadn’t considered. When there are problems, solve them together. Go, team!
Sharpen Your Conflict Resolution Skills
Parenting is something that you both are prone to feel passionate about. As a result, you may find that it can escalate into a loud or ugly scenario when you disagree. This is not something that you want your child(ren) to witness because of its effect on them. It is not that you should hide conflict from your children – you really can’t anyway. However, they will learn to have calm and productive conflict if they see you resolving issues in a controlled and respectful manner. If you don’t know how to do this, seek help from someone skilled in conflict resolution.
Discuss Discipline Privately
The child’s discipline should never be discussed in front of them, especially if you and your spouse don’t agree upon it. Using your communication and conflict resolution tools, decide what the disciplinary action(s) should be. Once the decision is made, it must be upheld by both parents. It is critical to present a unified front and not allow a child to manipulate you or play one against the other.
Parenting can be “the hardest job that you will ever love.” However, it can strengthen your relationship as a couple and deepen your marital satisfaction. It will take awareness and intention from you both and using the tools that have been mentioned in this blog.
