Working On Your Marriage Alone

Working On Your Marriage Alone: What to Expect

What can you do if you struggle in your marriage and your partner won’t go to counseling or work with you to save it? Is there anything that you can do? Is it possible for the situation to improve if only you are actively making attempts to restore your relationship?

The short answer is, “Yes, it is possible.”  To begin, recognize that three factors create your relationship – you, your spouse, and the combination of you both. Two of these are beyond your ability to control or change – your spouse and the combination of you both. You can never change your spouse. You can only change the combination of you both if they are willing to work with you, which at present they aren’t. So that only leaves one factor that you have the power to change and improve – YOU.

Don’t stop reading yet! You probably are thinking that you are doing everything that you can and that your spouse is the one who needs to change. You may be right. However, you started reading this blog because you believe that there may be something that you can do on your own to make your marriage better. Read through the following ideas and choose the ones you are willing to implement and think might make the most significant difference in your relationship.

FOCUS FIRST ON YOU

• Be the change you want to see in your relationship. If you wish to see different results with your mate, take different actions. Do things differently. Change for the better, and the dynamic of your relationship will change. This could cause your mate to respond more positively to you. Keep reading for some of these changes that you can make.

• Get individual therapy. So, your mate won’t go to couple’s therapy with you. Don’t let that stop you from growing individually and becoming stronger and healthier in your mind, will, and emotions.

• Take responsibility for your emotions. Don’t expect your mate to make you happy. No one else can make you truly happy. Happiness is a by-product of healthy thinking and good choices that you make. If you’re sad or depressed, your mate can’t heal that emotion for you. If you struggle with abandonment, rejection, or anger issues, own your emotion and take responsibility for doing the healing -work required. Don’t expect your spouse to heal you.

• Identify the problem. This is where a counselor or relationship coach could help you. They can help you identify the problem, how much of it you need to own, and how much you shouldn’t take on yourself.

• Remember “why .”Why did you marry this person? What were your hopes and dreams when your relationship began? Is the “why” still attainable? It may look slightly different, and you may have to make some adjustments to “how” it will be accomplished, but do you still believe in the “why” of the two of you?

• Have fun. You need distractions from time to time to prevent losing yourself in trying to fix things. Do something that you enjoy alone. Spend time taking care of yourself. You might also hang out with same-sex friends and do something fun. Be careful, though, not to do anything that your spouse would consider a threat and be wise in the friends that you choose. Friends who love both you and your spouse and who are pro your relationship are the ones you want to include in your life and fun.

FOCUS ON YOUR INTERACTION WITH THEM

• Don’t beg or nag. Both begging and nagging are a turn-off. Your mate may respond at first, but eventually, they will grow tired of the emotional manipulation and pull away. Nagging never works!

• Treat them with kindness and respect. Kindness is love in action. You probably would say that you love your spouse, but how kind are you? If you’re not feeling loved, it is easy to become bitter and sarcastic. Your remarks may become cutting rather than loving. If your spouse is acting in disrespectful ways to you, then you may slip into disrespecting them. Break the cycle! It’s hard to continue the negative behavior and dialogue if you stop participating in it. Draw on your inner strength and spirituality to rise above and be kind and respectful of your spouse. Note: This does not mean that you allow them to abuse you in any way. Establish healthy boundaries with your spouse. If you need help in doing this, a counselor or Recon Coach can help.

• Refocus on your spouse’s good qualities. What are their strengths? Can you identify their positive traits? Is there a habit or behavior they exhibit that amuses and endears them to you? What do you find attractive about them? What desirable character qualities do they possess? Refocus and dwell on the positive when you are tempted to focus on the negative that you see in them.

• Give them grace. Remember that no one is perfect. We all mess up and need forgiveness. So give them the benefit of the doubt when you can, and don’t always assume the worst. The saying goes, “Labels are for jars, not people.”

• Develop and practice good communication skills. One of the critical components of communication with a spouse is tone. If you begin a conversation with a harsh, demeaning, or attacking tone, that conversation is doomed to end badly. Think about how you say it, not just what you say. Be willing to consider what they say about you, and don’t grow defensive. If they see that you are open to considering how they feel and even changing your behavior, it could open them up to do the same.

• Plan fun dates. Sometimes a little “play therapy” with just the two of you is in order. With so much pulling you apart as a couple, spending together doing something that you enjoy can strengthen the bond between you. Don’t be so focused on fixing the relationship (or your mate) that you fail to connect and have fun!

In conclusion, if your spouse is not ready to work on the relationship with you right now, there are positive and forward-moving actions that you can take for the benefit of the relationship. Attending the Life Recon seminar is the perfect place to begin. At some point in the future, your mate will need to join you to create a mutually satisfying and fulfilling relationship. Love Recon was explicitly designed for this purpose. Let us know how we can help you!