How to Heal after a Big Argument |10 Steps to Reconnect and Move Forward

One of the most challenging aspects of a relationship is knowing how to facilitate emotional healing after a significant argument. Feelings are tender and raw, and often, a couple is reeling from the things that were said. I know that I have had the thought, “I can’t believe that I said that. Where did that come from?”

Because we are in such an intimate space with our spouse, we have the capacity to love each other deeply but also to wound each other just as deeply. It could be, however, that after a big argument, what you feel is not emotional knife wounds but an emotional wall that has been erected between you. There is a separation, a distance, or a coldness in your relationship.  

Key Takeaways:

• What you don’t do after a big argument is of ultimate importance, from pretending it never happened to telling other people your side of the argument to giving your mate the silent treatment and more.
• Treat each other with courtesy and respect to create an atmosphere for healing.
• To begin the healing of the relationship, first begin with prayer or meditation and personal reflection.
• Let go of your expectations and seek to meet your mate’s top emotional needs.
• Only after self-reflection and creating a safe emotional environment should you attempt to solve the issue(s).

What Not to Do After a Big Argument

What not to do in the immediate aftermath of an emotional battle with your spouse is of ultimate importance to your relationship. It can prepare the way for the healing to begin, or it can strike the final blow to an already shaky marriage. Here are some helpful tips if you want to heal and repair the damage that the disagreement has caused:

1. Don’t pretend that nothing has happened.

You may be tempted to say something like, “Let’s just put this in the past and move on.”  That might be because you are uncomfortable with conflict and unsure of how to handle it. It frightens you, and if your argument was ugly, you are afraid that irreparable damage could be done.   Your guilt could also be a motivator to pretend that nothing has happened. It is painful to face that you have wounded or disrespected your spouse. To pretend that nothing has happened is denial and invalidates both your spouse’s feelings and yours. Denial is detrimental to your mental health and emotional well-being. It’s like capturing termites in the living room and releasing them in the basement. You can’t see them, but they will eventually cause the house to crumble.     

2. Don’t Deny Each Other Space

You each need some time to get grounded. Researchers say that it takes anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes for you to calm down and return to a rational state physiologically. Before you need it, when you are not in an argumentative state, agree to take a 30–minute timeout any time you have an argument that is escalating. Either one of you can call the timeout.

Agree that you will come back together after that time of getting grounded and recentered. While you are apart, do not think about the conflict. Listen to music. Pray or meditate. Take a walk. Do whatever grounds you, and don’t forget to take deep breaths, no matter what you do!  

3. Never triangulate with family or friends

We tend to bring others into the fight and tell them our side of the story and even get them on “our side.”  Don’t do this! It will sabotage any attempts to resolve the issues or reconcile with our spouse. Talk with a counselor, coach, therapist, or clergyperson, but don’t talk to your momma!

4. Don’t Drag in the Past

Bringing up past arguments and issues only complicates the current situation. Focus on resolving the present problems and healing, and address unresolved issues later.

5. Don’t Give them the Silent Treatment

You may not be ready to delve into the issue of contention, but that is not an excuse to tell them to “talk to the hand.”  Avoid using the silent treatment. Be courteous. Honor and respect one another and communicate as needed. Shutting each other out will only complicate the recovery.

6. Don’t Assume

You may think that you know what your spouse is thinking or feeling, but you could be wrong. Anything that you do to “fix it” based on your assumptions will backfire!

7. Don’t Replay the Conflict

Particularly, don’t dwell on what was said and nurse your wounds. They will need to be addressed in the healing process, but ruminating on them is not helpful.

8. Don’t Have Sex If You’re Not Ready

If you’re still recovering from the argument and not into sexual intimacy, it’s okay to say “No.”  You may not feel emotionally safe. Don’t force “make-up” sex. Sex can be a part of the emotional healing after a blow-up, but only if you both are in the right frame of heart and mind to participate. 

9. Don’t Try to Place the Blame

It is counterproductive to assign blame to your spouse or yourself. You both participated in the conflict. You both are guilty to some degree. At this point, what matters is that you both acknowledge your part in the conflict and focus on restoring your relationship.

10. Don’t be Disrespectful

Yelling, giving ultimatums, or insulting your partner are all behaviors that are out of bounds, and you must not disrespect them in these or other ways. Just don’t do it! 

How to Heal after a Big Argument

Healing takes time, and you can’t force it to go faster. You can, however, take actions to promote healing that is deep and lasting. Here are some practical and actionable actions that will keep you on the path to relational healing and deeper love:

1. Pray or Meditate

Praying or meditating – whichever is your preference – can help center you and make you more mindful and present in the moment rather than dwelling on the past. Your spiritual well-being is vital to your life and relationships. Pray or meditate first to open your heart and mind. Ask the forgiveness of God and forgive yourself if you are feeling guilty. Then, focus on your spouse and their needs and express gratitude for them in your life. And finally, pray or meditate for your marriage, envisioning the loving and fulfilling relationship that you desire.

2. Recognize Your Limitations

Admit that you cannot control your mate or your marriage. Acknowledge that all you have power over is yourself.

3. You Work on You

Your focus should be on self-examination, not on your spouse. “Is my behavior working for or against me? For or against my relationship? “Where do I need to grow? What do I need to change?” are the kinds of questions I need to ask myself.

4. Let Go of Your Expectations

Your expectations, as well as those of your spouse, may be the primary source of your conflict in the first place. Expectations of career success, how towels are folded, and the roles each will play, etc., are attempts to control things to our preference. When those expectations are not met, a range of unpleasant emotions can arise. Letting go of expectations and learning to accept and even enjoy reality can transform your life and marriage!

5. Connect with Your Mate

Show empathy for them. Empathy means to enter their feelings and experience what they are feeling. Be sad with them. If they are hurting, hurt with them over the situation. Each of you own your part in the conflict. Offer a sincere apology, express your intent never to do or say that hurtful thing(s) again, and ask their forgiveness. Grant forgiveness to each other, naming each thing you are forgiving, and finally saying, “I forgive you for everything!” Then, let it all go because “love keeps no record of wrongs.”

6. Meet Their Emotional Needs

Both you and your spouse are in emotional pain. Do you know what your mate needs to feel loved? How about their most important emotional needs?   What fills their emotional love tank or makes deposits in their love account? Now is the time to be very intentional and meet their needs so that they feel valued and loved. If you’re unsure, ask them!

7. Become Good Friends

Work on being each other’s best friend. Good friends have each other’s backs and trust each other. Becoming best friends may take some time because trust takes time to build. Be honest and consistent, treating each other with love and respect, and it will become emotionally safe to tackle any problem together and resolve any issue.

8. Validate, Validate, Validate

Validation is what is missing most in communication. Take turns practicing active listening by listening to each other, reflecting on what you have heard, and validating what your partner has said. Validation does not mean that you agree with them. It means that you value them, their thoughts, and feelings. You value the relationship and are not always trying to be “right.”

9. Resolve It

If you have each owned your part in the issue and have forgiven each other, then as best friends who are on the same team and have each other’s backs, work together to resolve the issue or conflict. By this point, the issue may have been naturally resolved due to your positive interactions. To resolve an issue or solve a problem, however, practice active and reflective listening (What I hear you say…), brainstorm, negotiate, sacrifice, and come up with a solution. Utilize good communication strategies. If you need help, a Recon Coach can help you.

10. Get Help

If you don’t know how to meet your mate’s emotional needs, and your attempts at reconnecting after conflict are failing, and you’re flooded with negative emotions, it is time to get help. Love Recon seminars or Recon Coaching are excellent resources dedicated to helping you have a better marriage and a better you. It’s what we do! Contact us today to find out more.

Recon Coaching Line

1-866-441-7171

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• What should we do immediately after a big argument?

  After a big argument, you each need some time to get grounded. Researchers say that it takes anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes for you to calm down and return to a rational state physiologically. Set it as a ground rule that you will take a timeout anytime an argument begins to escalate.

• What should I focus on to begin healing after an argument?

  Your focus should first be on self-examination, not on your spouse. “Is my behavior working for or against me? For or against my relationship? Where do I need to grow? What do I need to change?” are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself before approaching your spouse.

• How can I help my spouse to heal after a big argument?

  The best thing to do is to meet their most important emotional needs. Do you know what your mate needs to feel loved? What fills their emotional love tank? Now is the time to be very intentional and meet their needs so that they feel valued and loved.

• What is the biggest mistake that couples make after a fight?

  If it’s not the biggest mistake, it’s one of the top: Assuming. You may think that you know what your spouse is thinking or feeling, but you could be very wrong. Anything that you do to “fix it” based on your assumptions will most likely backfire! Listen to your mate and learn what they are really thinking and feeling.

• Does having sexual intimacy heal the damage caused by an argument?

  If you’re still recovering from the argument and not into sexual intimacy, it’s okay to say “No.” You may not feel emotionally safe. Sex can be a part of the emotional healing after a blow-up, but only if you both are in the right frame of heart and mind to participate.