Hope, Help, and Healing from Infidelity
Cliff Poe
June 21, 2025
Nothing strikes at the heart of a relationship like infidelity. The knowledge that their partner is cheating on them and that they are no longer in a monogamous relationship leaves the offended partner reeling, wondering if there is hope and help to survive this intimate betrayal. Understanding the dynamics of infidelity can pave the way for healing and rebuilding trust. In this article, we will explore signs that your spouse may be cheating, ways to talk to your spouse about your concerns, the different types of affairs, stages that affairs typically progress through, and steps toward healing and recovery.
Key Takeaways:
- Knowing the signs of cheating can help you identify or even prevent infidelity.
- When discussing concerns about infidelity, communicate calmly and focus on your feelings and observations, not accusations.
- Understanding the types of affairs can give you insight into the motivations behind them.
- Knowing the stages of affairs can inform your responses and decisions about the future of your relationship.
- There is hope for healing and rebuilding trust after infidelity, but it requires time, honesty, and consistency from both partners.
Signs Your Spouse Could Be Cheating
Be careful not to jump to conclusions as you read these potential indicators. They are not definitive proof, and there may be an explanation besides cheating. Your spouse may be undergoing a change of duties at work requiring overtime. They may have made a personal commitment to get in shape and care more about their appearance. If a combination of these indicators is present, however, you will want to investigate further or have a calm discussion with your spouse about what you have observed and concerns you. Here is the list of potential indicators and red flags that your spouse is being unfaithful
They become emotionally unavailable and evasive.
They avoid deeper and more intimate exchanges, not wanting to share feelings, hopes, and dreams. Conversations are surface and avoided if possible.
They become critical of you.
In an attempt to distance from you, they may begin to focus on your flaws and shortcomings, exaggerating them. If you’re a lousy spouse, then they are justified in seeking a romantic relationship with someone else.
Time becomes an issue.
Gaps in their time are not explained, or their explanations are suspicious. Conversely, they may become overly concerned about your schedule, wanting to know where you are every hour.
Suspicious monetary activity occurs.
There may be usual Zelle or Venmo transfers, a new credit card only in their name, etc.
They don’t talk about your future together.
Whether it’s a vacation or your retirement, they don’t discuss any topics related to the future that involve the two of you.
Not as involved in family life, activities, or traditions.
They don’t initiate family activities and may participate only minimally, if at all.
Beliefs, values, or religious practices change.
It’s been my observation that people involved in infidelity first drifted away from God and their moral moorings and then drifted away from their spouse.
Their friends and family treat you differently.
They seem uncomfortable, avoid you, or act embarrassed. They may feel guilty because of what the offender (their friend or relative) is doing, and they know but haven’t intervened. They could feel sympathetic toward you. They could be angry at the offender for having an affair or with you for being the lousy spouse you have been portrayed to be.
Don’t want you to stop by their workplace.
Before, you were welcome to stop by their place of work, but now you are told not to and given an excuse like, “It’s swamped, and I wouldn’t have time to talk with you anyway.”
Decrease-or increase- in libido.
There can be a marked decrease in affection and sexual interaction as the cheating partner loses interest in their spouse. However, there can also be a marked increase in attempts to reignite the spark and regain relationship satisfaction.
Pay more attention to their appearance.
There may be a sudden interest in grooming, wardrobe, and weight. They may have struggled with their weight for years, but now they have lost unwanted weight in just a few months. They may be dressing more provocatively or more in style. A new hairstyle or a new cologne or perfume are changes that could signal someone else in the picture.
Cell phone and online habits change.
Now, your partner protects and does not share their passwords with you. They don’t leave their cell phone unattended, even in the home. You are not allowed to borrow their phone if you need to make a call and don’t have your phone. Websites are quickly changed or shut down when you enter the room where they are online.
Insist that you text, not call.
They insist that you only text them so the phone doesn’t ring when they are with someone else. This gives them more control over the situation.
Gaslight you.
Gaslighting is controlling someone by convincing them that they are crazy. According to Merriam-Webster, the effects of the psychological manipulation over a period of time causes the person to “question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories, and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” If this describes your situation, get out and get help.
They become defensive.
“I’m not cheating. You must be cheating.” Defensiveness is a strong indicator that your spouse is hiding something. Typically, they will say something to hurt or accuse you to take the focus off them. Defensiveness is a way to say, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.”
May purchase an expensive gift(s)
That “just because” expensive gift may be “just because” they want to assuage their guilt and draw your attention away from their recent suspicious behavior.
Go with your gut!
Your gut feeling that your spouse is cheating on you is nothing to ignore. You have that feeling for a reason. Even if nothing else on this list is present in your relationship, follow your gut and check things out.
How to Talk to Your Spouse if you suspect they’re having an affair
If you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, you will need to have a discussion to begin to move forward, individually or together, and heal. Follow these points in approaching your spouse:
- Choose a calm and private location.
- Agree upon honesty and transparency.
- Use “I” statements.
- Focus on your observations and feelings, not accusations.
For instance, “I feel that we have become emotionally disconnected, and I’m concerned that something has come between us.”
Ask open-ended questions.
Some examples are:
- On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest, how are we doing as a couple?
- Why would you give us that score?”
- “What do you need that you’re not getting from me?”
Be prepared for pushback or defensiveness from them, but also for them to admit to the affair. In either case, ask them if they would participate in marriage counseling with you with a relationship coach or a couples therapist.
Types of Affairs
To better understand and heal from infidelity, it is helpful to know what type of affair that you or your spouse has engaged in. You may not have realized even that some of these behaviors are being unfaithful to your spouse and are categorized as affairs.
Emotional – non-physical
The line is crossed in an emotional affair when the two affair partners begin to keep their interactions a secret. A deep emotional intimacy develops between the two outside of their primary relationship.
Cyber – non-physical
A cyber affair is like an emotional affair in that it is non–physical and could be considered online infidelity. The affair partners connect online, sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings and moving into emotional infidelity. Their friendship becomes destructive to their marriage(s).
Physical
A physical affair is one in which the two affair partners engage in sex. It could be a short fling, or it could be an ongoing arrangement. The distinguishing factor is that it is more about sexual fulfillment.
Romantic – physical and emotional
The romantic affair involves the attempt to meet both emotional and physical needs with the affair partner. They feel validated and will say things like, “Nobody gets me like you do.”
A romantic affair typically lasts 18 months to 2 years.
One-night stands
One-night stands are just what they sound like! They are physical infidelity and are often about fulfilling sexual fantasies without emotional attachment.
Get Even
Unfortunately, sometimes, an injured spouse will seek revenge by having their own affair. This is a no-win scenario and only brings more heartache and pain for everyone, making recovery very difficult, even with couples counseling.
Escape Route
For a person looking for a way out of their marriage, having an escape route affair may be tempting. Having an affair and ensuring that their spouse finds out is a way to manipulate the spouse to leave or force them to leave, which provides the escape they want. There are much cleaner and less hurtful ways to leave a marriage! In Love Recon, we sometimes help couples who are parting leave the relationship as friends and parenting partners if they have children.
Sexual Addiction
A sexual addiction affair is different in that it is driven by compulsive sexual behavior rooted in childhood trauma. Having sex with other persons or using pornography to achieve orgasm is an attempt to feel accepted or loved, escape emotional pain, and gain control over one’s life. They will engage in numerous sexual affairs as a result.
All of these types of affairs can be devastating to the offended partner, yet they can all be healed through forgiveness, grace, and love. Different types of affairs may require different types of therapy, but there is hope, help, and healing for all!
Recognizing the Stages of an Affair
According to various researchers, affairs typically follow a course that lasts from 18-36 months. Knowing about this can help the offended party make decisions about how long they will “hang in there” and what to expect as their spouse’s affair runs its course. A helpful statistic in considering your options is that 60-75% of couples who experience infidelity remain together.
The Initial Attraction
A variety of factors in a person’s life can influence them to stray. Perhaps they feel neglected, stressed, not validated, unloved, or just bored. None of these are excuses to cheat, but they can play a role in infidelity. Then, they become aware and alert to potential affair partners at work or in their social circles. They begin to focus on this person and become attracted. They first have public conversations, then private conversations.
The Secret Connection
Once they have private conversations, they form a secret connection. No one, especially their spouses, can know. They talk online and on their phones when no one is around. They share their struggles and intimate thoughts that should only be shared with their spouse.
The Consummation
The next step is to physically meet in an agreed-upon location and have sex. While some may say that this is spontaneous because they had sex in a closet or stairwell at work, it is not. It has been rehearsed and planned before this in both of their minds.
The Emotional Bonding
Sex has enabled the adulterous pair to bond through surges of hormones and endorphins, and they feel that they have “fallen in love.”
The Decision
They talk about divorcing their spouses, but statistics show that 60-75% of those who cheat stay with their spouses. Marriage researchers say that the affair partners may remain in this limbo for up to three years. Much of that time, they are torn, trying to make the decision to stay or go. In the end, they usually stay with their primary partner.
How to heal after an affair
A marriage does not have to end because of infidelity. In fact, most do not. But staying together is no guarantee that a marriage will be healthy and fulfilling. Affair recovery is hard work, but it is worth it to have the marriage you’ve always dreamed of. Online therapy is an effective option and can be more easily fit into work and childcare schedules.
1. Acknowledge what has happened.
You may have thought that this could never happen to you, or you may be thinking that this could not be happening to you again. Denial, in either case, is not productive. The first step in healing and moving past it is to accept that it has happened and acknowledge that your life has changed.
2. Accept difficult emotions.
Don’t deny or stuff the emotions you are feeling. You may be suffering betrayal trauma. Your feelings, whatever they are, are valid, and it is helpful to put a name to them—abandoned, angry, rejected, ashamed, guilty, etc.
3. Don’t blame yourself.
While things in your relationship weren’t perfect, and you may not have been the ideal spouse, this is not your fault. Your partner chose to be unfaithful to you. I repeat, this is not your fault. If you decide to start over with your partner, then you can address what may have contributed to the affair, but again, it is not your fault that your spouse cheated.
4. Get space from your partner.
You need time and space to catch your breath, sort out your emotions, and think and reflect on your next steps. Assure your partner that this does not mean you have decided to leave them and that you will contact them when you are ready. Of course, if you have decided to leave them, particularly if this is not the first time they have cheated, then that is what you would communicate to them.
5. Grieve the loss of what was.
It is appropriate to grieve the loss of the relationship that you knew. Trust has become a casualty and may or may not be rebuilt. In some ways, things will never be the same. It doesn’t mean your relationship can’t be rebuilt, but it will not be easy.
6. Don’t try to “get even.”
Retaliation to make your spouse pay or to attempt to bring them pain so that they will feel what you are feeling only complicates things and lowers your self-esteem in the long run. Furthermore, revenge demeans you and makes it even more challenging to recover from betrayal.
7. Get support from others.
A trusted person can help you get through some rough patches, particularly if they have healed from a similar situation. Caution: Someone bitter about being betrayed or who might view this as an opportunity to “hook up” with you is not a good choice! A therapist or clergyperson could help in addition to a good friend.
8. Be honest and objective about your relationship.
Evaluate what you feel was good and what wasn’t. Take ownership of your shortcomings and credit yourself for what you did well. Then, even if you don’t reunite with your partner, you will be better prepared for a good relationship in the future.
9. Focus on what you need.
You may have focused on your spouse and neglected yourself. Regardless, now is the time to focus on YOU. Do the emotional work of healing. Take care of yourself physically, focusing on diet, exercise, and sleep habits. Don’t neglect your spirituality; engage in practices that feed your soul.
10. Communicate with your partner.
If you want to rebuild your life and relationship with your partner, keep the lines of communication open. Work on your communication skills. Be honest about how you feel and how their actions have affected you.
11. Forgive without trusting.
A fundamental truth about forgiving someone is that your forgiveness of them is for you. Forgiving someone else sets you free from toxic anger, bitterness, and resentment. Another principle of forgiveness is that you do not have to trust someone or reconcile with them to forgive them. Trust and reconciliation are issues that are separate from forgiveness. You can forgive someone and never trust them again. After forgiving someone, you can move forward with your life and never reconcile. If you have children together, through forgiveness, you can find peace to co-parent your children and be friends, even if you are no longer lovers.
12. Declare it “over” and move on.
If this is not the first time they have been unfaithful to you, you may only enable their behavior if you stay with them. Their actions have no real consequences, and they will likely continue to cheat.
13. Don’t build a wall around your heart.
Instead, begin to trust again, little by little. If you have decided to work it out with your partner, allow them opportunities to build trust incrementally, not all at once. Be careful not to become cynical and suspicious of others and shut them out as well. Guard your heart, but let in those who are safe and trustworthy. Go slowly and build healthy relationships.
Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity
Trust issues are a natural result of infidelity. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is not a quick and easy process. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness should be granted so that both parties can heal and move forward, whether they stay together or go their separate ways. However, that doesn’t mean couples should automatically trust one another, as trust is rebuilt over time. Here are factors to consider and practice to restore trust
1. Communication
Open and honest communication is crucial for building trust. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Actively listen to each other without judgment or defensiveness. Be sure to validate your partner’s thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Validation means that you value them and your relationship and has nothing to do with agreement.
2. Consistency
Be consistent in your words and actions. Follow through on your commitments and promises. This shows reliability and helps establish trust. Trust can be destroyed in a moment, but it will take time to rebuild it. Be patient, dependable, and consistent.
3. Honesty
Be truthful and transparent in all your interactions. If you are not being truthful or forthcoming about something, your partner will assume that you may not be honest in anything. Avoid lying or hiding important information, as it can erode trust. Be willing to admit mistakes and take responsibility for your actions.
4. Respect
Treat your partner with respect and kindness. Show empathy and understanding towards their feelings and perspectives. Respect their boundaries and opinions, even if you disagree. Make your relationship “safe” so that your partner doesn’t fear the repercussions of being honest and dealing with complicated matters in your relationship.
5. Dependability
Be there for your partner when they need you. Show up and provide support during difficult times. As the saying goes, “If you care, be aware.” Know what is going on in your partner’s mind and heart so that you can be there for them. Dependability builds trust and reassures your partner that they can rely on you.
6. Trustworthiness
Demonstrate trustworthiness by being loyal and faithful. Avoid actions that may undermine the trust in your relationship, such as cheating or betraying confidences. Avoid even the appearance or perception that you are not being loyal and faithful. Perception is reality to them, so don’t do or say anything that gives the perception of betrayal or unfaithfulness.
7. Give and receive forgiveness
Forgiveness is essential in any relationship because it is comprised of two imperfect people. You each will fail or disappoint your spouse. Learn to forgive your partner for their mistakes and ask for forgiveness when you make mistakes. Forgiveness frees you from anger and bitterness. Forgiveness and trust are two separate things, but you can’t build trust if you haven’t forgiven. Holding grudges will sabotage trust-building.
8. Time and patience
Trust takes time to develop, so be patient. Allow the relationship to grow naturally, and give each other space to build trust at your own pace.
Remember, building or rebuilding trust is an ongoing process that requires effort and commitment from both partners. The equation for building trust is:
ReconTime + Honesty + Consistency = Trust Coaching Line
It won’t be easy, but trust can be rebuilt with consistent actions and communication. Love Recon helps couples restore and strengthen trust in relationships that have suffered from marital infidelity. Let us help you on your healing journey. Reach out today. We are waiting to help you!
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