Overcoming The Effects of Childhood Trauma in Marriage|10 Healing Strategies for Couples

In marriage, traumas from childhood, sometimes called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), can destroy the heart and soul of intimate relationships. They can seem to come out of nowhere since they weren’t evident during courtship. Unhealed wounds from the past, which were not apparent early in the relationship, are revealed through arguments or the pressures and stresses of life. These unhealed wounds can sabotage any chance for happiness and fulfillment in the relationship; therefore, they must be addressed and healed. In this article, we will note the problems that are rooted in childhood trauma, how they affect your intimate relationships, and 10 healing actions that you can take to heal from childhood trauma. 

Key Takeaways:

• Deep-seated childhood traumatic experiences cause many relationship problems.
• A couple must heal from childhood traumatic experiences to have a fulfilling and loving romantic relationship. 
• The two main effects of childhood trauma on a marriage are attachment issues and triggers.
• There are actionable steps that couples can take to promote healing from childhood trauma.

Relationship Problems Rooted in Childhood Trauma

1. Difficulty in Giving and Receiving Love 

When you have been traumatized by physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, or neglect as a child by those who are supposed to be your protectors, your ability to open your heart is significantly compromised. People are held at arm’s length, even your spouse.

2. Struggles in Intimacy

Intimacy is knowing and being known by the person closest to you. Childhood trauma can carry with it feelings of shame, particularly in instances of sexual abuse. Shame will cause you to hide your true self because you are afraid of being fully known. You may even think, “If my spouse really knew me, they wouldn’t love me.”

3. Fear of Abandonment 

Particularly for those who were orphaned as children, fear of abandonment can prevent them from true intimacy and love. They may even, at some point, decide that they will leave you before you can leave them to help minimize their pain.

4. Inability to Communicate 

The deepest levels of communication are expressing feelings and sharing needs. Both require vulnerability and feeling secure. The adult who had adverse childhood experiences is often not able to be vulnerable enough to communicate on these levels.

5. Trust Issues

It should be no surprise that a person who endured traumatic experiences as a child would have difficulty trusting the world, God, and their spouse.

6. Low Self-Esteem 

We derive much of our identity from the adults who are supposed to care for and provide for us. They are like God to us, and we believe what they say, even if it is not the truth. Whatever they think of us is what we tend to think of ourselves. We take our cues from them. Because verbal abuse, physical abuse, and neglect are often part of childhood drama, and because they all send negative messages to a child about their value and worth, we can suffer from low self-esteem. 

7. Emotional Disconnection 

When there is no intimate conversation, no physical intimacy, and strong trust issues, couples will untether their hearts and become roommates instead of lovers.

8. Difficulty Regulating Emotions 

It is not unusual for a person who has experienced childhood trauma to have difficulty regulating emotions. Anger and irritability are common, as are intense mood swings and emotional shutdown.

9. Inappropriate Behavior is Tolerated 

Because boundaries were crossed when the traumatic experience(s) occurred, behavioral lines have been blurred. What is unacceptable to most people becomes acceptable and allowed by the adult traumatized child.

10. Parenting Challenges 

Trauma can affect how couples raise their children in different ways, including inconsistency in discipline, leniency or strictness, determination to parent differently than their parents, or deciding to parent the same as their parents. 

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Marriage 

Besides the implications of the problems listed above, there are two main effects of childhood trauma on relationships.

Unhealthy Attachment Style

Marriage is an attachment commitment to a person with whom you feel connected and safe. Each person has an attachment pattern or style that developed in childhood and affects how they relate to their spouse and stress in their relationship. A secure attachment style is characterized by healthy relationships and accompanied by feelings of safety and security. However, you or your mate may have developed anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns, each with its own set of challenges and behaviors, and now you are replicating them with your mate. When you understand your attachment pattern, you can better comprehend how you react in stressful situations. With the help of a good therapist or mental health healing professional, these unhealthy behaviors can be identified and healed.

Reactivity and Triggers

Partners can easily trigger one another in a heated moment, causing flashbacks of harmful or painful childhood moments. These unresolved wounds can be visual, emotional, or even physical remnants of their adverse childhood experiences. 

10 Healing Actions for Your Childhood Trauma

To begin healing, first understand that your body’s central nervous system (CNS) is comprised of the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and sympathetic nervous system (SNS). (SNS). The SNS is the body’s method for getting you out of danger. Being triggered activates the SNS. When your mate triggers you, you are ready for “fight or flight.” Your trauma has robbed you of your ability to feel safe and secure in your own body. To get out of that state, your brain needs to be assured that there is no danger, and you are safe.

What to do:

1. Identify Your Triggers 

The first step is to recognize what your triggers are. With your partner, identify your triggers and communicate them, especially in the moment. Say, “I’m being triggered, and I feel _________” (fill in the blank).

2. Breathe

“Slow your roll” and take deep breaths. Inhale deeply and exhale for longer. This helps to reset your CNS because you can’t feel trauma or threat when your body is relaxed.

3. Practice Body-Mind Connection 

Connect with the sensations and feelings you are experiencing in your body. Become aware of your body through meditation, martial arts, yoga, and other practices. As you train your body and mind to connect and cooperate, you will continue to improve your ability to handle your post-traumatic reactions.

4. Communicate Your Needs 

Let your partner know what you need. This will require that you have created a safe space with your partner, so that you both feel comfortable being vulnerable.

5. Take a Time Out 

Agree that you will take a time out if either of you is being triggered. Your relationship is too meaningful not to protect by taking a break when things are escalating. Go to separate places. Listen to music, meditate, lift weights, read scripture, etc. Don’t think about the triggering situation at all. Allow 20-30 minutes for the break, and then come back together. If you can’t get past whatever it is, then reach out to a Recon Coach or another helping professional

6. Get Help 

Attend therapy with a therapist who is skilled in addressing adverse childhood experiences. In treatment, you can process your experiences, learn to manage your triggers, and develop healthy coping techniques. You will be empowered to regain control over your life and emotions.

7. Set Boundaries 

Boundaries are a defensive tool that protects you and provides a sense of emotional security. You get to set your boundaries and decide who is safe and who is not safe to be in your relationship circles. As a couple, you can also set boundaries regarding healthy and unhealthy friends and behaviors. Setting boundaries ensures that you can continue to heal and grow, especially as you prevent those who have hurt you in the past from doing so again. It gives you back control of your life and emotions.

8. Forgive Others 

No matter what they have done,  forgive others. Forgiveness is for you and will set you free from the past like nothing else will! Failing to forgive others will keep you trapped in a prison of anger and bitterness. Without forgiving those who hurt you, you won’t be able to fully love those in your life, including your mate.

9. Forgive Yourself 

You were just a child when the traumatic things happened to you. You may have made poor decisions, or you may carry shame for what happened. The shame does not belong to you. It belongs to those who have hurt or abused you. Be good to the child that you were- forgive them. Be good to the person that you are today. Forgive yourself and be your own best friend. Treat yourself with the love and kindness that you would extend to another person in your same circumstances. Embrace yourself, open your heart to love yourself, and face your future with a renewed sense of purpose!

10. Focus on Your Future 

Your past does not equal your future. Re-dream the dreams of childhood that were stolen from you. Do self-evaluation and reflection. Ask yourself, “What do I want now?” What do you want your life and marriage to look like? What is your purpose, and what will it take to fulfill it? The past has had too much control over you. It’s time to live a life you will love with the love of your life! 

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• Is it normal to have mood swings as an adult with childhood trauma?

  It is not unusual for a person who has experienced childhood trauma to have difficulty in regulating emotions. Anger and irritability are common, as are intense mood swings and emotional shutdown.

• What are some common triggering emotions for an adult with childhood trauma?

  It is not uncommon for an adult with childhood trauma to be triggered by anything that suggests rejection, abandonment, powerlessness, not having a voice, being ignored or misunderstood, etc.

• What role does professional therapy play in healing childhood trauma?

  In therapy, you can process your experiences, learn to manage your triggers, and develop healthy coping techniques. You will be empowered to regain control over your life and emotions.

• If I was traumatized as a child, what effect will that have on my parenting?

  Trauma can affect how couples raise their children in different ways, including inconsistency in discipline, leniency or strictness, determination to parent differently than their parents, or deciding to parent the same as their parents. The good news is, you don’t have to repeat the mistakes that were made with you.