Self-Defeating Behavior In a Relationship: How It Hurts

How I Sabotage Me
We play self-destructive games and then complain about or blame others for our circumstances. Self-sabotage always works.    ~ Jeani Poe, Love Recon

Any behavior that you engage in that sabotages you and prevents you from experiencing your best life and/or best marriage is a self-defeating behavior.

Self-defeating behaviors are obstacles and barriers to reaching your goals. They  can be distractions that get you off track. Often, they drain your energy and creativity and exhaust you so that you don’t have the energy to create the life and relationships that you want. Until you admit them and have the courage to overcome them, you will live in a cycle of making attempts and being defeated.

Some common self-defeating behavior patterns are:

• Procrastination
• Stubborn pride – always have to be “right”
• Unwillingness to ask for help
• Being a “people pleaser”
• Comparing yourself to others
• Feeling undeserving of good things
• Perfectionism
• Fear of taking a risk
• Negative self-talk (echoes in your mind)
• Negative Guilt and Shame
• Being easily distracted (phone calls, social media, “squirrel!”)
• Focusing on the past

Dyad

Identify your self-defeating behaviors. They don’t have to be on the list above.

A: Work through the following bullet points:

• I think that my self-defeating behaviors are…
• I believe they have affected my life (and our relationship) by…
• Have you observed any others in me?

B: “No. I think you nailed it” or “One self-defeating behavior that I have also observed is…”

A: I give you my permission to lovingly point out to me when I am engaging in any self-defeating behaviors!

Now it is B’s turn to work through the bullet points

B: Work through the following bullet points:

• I think that my self-defeating behaviors are…
• I believe they have affected my life (and our relationship) by…
• Have you observed any others in me?

A: “No. I think you nailed it” or “One self-defeating behavior that I have also observed is…”

B: I give you my permission to lovingly point out to me when I am engaging in any self-defeating behavior!

End with a hug, a kiss and a prayer or wish for your mate!

TODAY’S CHALLENGE: Share a tradition or value that you would like to include in your relationship/family.

Suggested Scripture: Proverbs 27:17

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.