What to Do When You Feel like Roommates – not Lovers

The Roommate Phase in a relationship is that all-too-common phase when partners are emotionally detached from each other, more like roommates or friends than lovers. The relationship is functional on many levels, yet it is dysfunctional in terms of love and emotional connection. It typically happens, not suddenly, but slowly as the partners drift apart over time, with emotional intimacy often being the casualty. 

Consider this if it is you. You were so in love and couldn’t spend enough time together at the beginning of your romantic relationship. You talked, you laughed, you shared your feelings, and made love. Now you barely glance at each other and retreat to your separate corners – or bedrooms- to get your personal space. In this article, we will consider the signs and symptoms of this arrangement that is more like a friendship, lacking the romantic love and affection that you once enjoyed. We’ll examine the signs and symptoms, the causes, and what to do if you are in the Roommate Phase.  

Key Takeaways:

• The Roommate Phase in a relationship is marked by complacency and emotional disconnect.
• The causes of this relationship phase can include external pressures and stress, a lack of quality time, and a breakdown in open and honest communication of feelings.
• To overcome this phase, couples should prioritize quality time with each other, start talking using active listening skills, and engage in physical touch and sexual intimacy.

Signs and Symptoms You’re Living Like Roommates 

The following list of signs and symptoms will help you identify if you are indeed in the Roommate Phase of your relationship. Recognizing them will help you understand what to do, so that you and your partner can navigate this phase and once again experience all the types of intimacy that fulfilled couples enjoy.  

1. You have accepted an “It is what it is” attitude

You’ve become accustomed to little or no romance with your partner. There is minimal effort exerted by either of you to enjoy deeper conversations, go on dates or vacations, or pray together and grow in spirituality and faith. You have lost your spiritual intimacy. You’re not mad. You’re simply complacent. 

2. You’re bored

Everything related to your relationship has become routine and monotonous. There’s very little “spark.”   You may be courteous, much in the same way that you would treat a housemate with whom you split expenses and shared household tasks.  

3. You’ve drifted apart physically and emotionally

Sex can be increasingly infrequent because you’re too tired, or too busy, or too______(Fill in the blank). It just seems easier to sleep in a separate bed, which can be rationalized with statements like, “My partner snores too much and keeps me up. I must get up and go to work, and I need my sleep.”  

4. You’ve stopped talking

You communicate. It’s just that what you talk about is kids (if you have them), chores, schedules, and finances. What you no longer discuss are thoughts, dreams for the future, feelings, and emotional needs.  

5. Gratitude is gone

Instead of being grateful for your partner, you take each other for granted. There is no sincere “thank you” for the things that the other does.  

6. Your relationship is a burden

Your relationship begins to feel like a “duty”, a chore that you don’t have the interest or energy for.   

7. What if?

You begin to ask yourself questions, such as, “What if I were single?” or “What if I were with someone else?” Again, you’re not angry or vengeful. You are longing for more – the more that could be or the more that you had once and lost. 

What are the causes of the Roommate Phase?

Remember, the Roommate Phase usually occurs because the couple has drifted apart. While the causes of this unfulfilling phase of a relationship are several, these are the main ones:  

1. External Pressure and Stress

This is the #1 cause of emotional disconnection. Forces seek to divide loving couples, making them complacent at the least and enemies at the worst. Most of the things that divide us are not inherently bad; they are good things. Things like jobs, kids’ schedules, financial growth, church and community involvement, to name a few. These deplete our energy and can take our attention – attention that should be focused on our spouse.

2. Lack of Quality Time

Quality time is one of the ways to defeat the pressure and stress in your life and relationship. It can be as little as 15 minutes per day. In Recon Coaching, we can teach you ways to connect daily to build and sustain the intimacy that you desire. You can’t make more time, but you can make the most of the time you do have.  

3. Too much routine and focus on the practical

Making marriage mundane by creating routines that never vary and always taking the practical course is a sure-fire way to suppress passion and emotional connection.  

4. Neglect of emotional wants and needs

Failing to understand and act on your partner’s emotional needs will accelerate your relationship’s progression into the Roommate Phase.   

5. Stuffed feelings

Your partner has emotionally hurt you in a disagreement or conflict. You have lost your emotional closeness. Rather than face the offence in forgiveness and heal together, you have suppressed your feelings. They have festered and created distance between you and your mate. It may be trite, but it is true – you can’t heal what you don’t reveal. Whenever you suppress your feelings, whatever they may be, they will eventually manifest in non-productive and even harmful ways.  

How to Feel Like Lovers instead of Roommates

So, what do you do? The following are some time-tested and proven tips to transition your relationship from the Roommate Phase to the Fulfilling Lover Phase. 

1. Prioritize quality time as a couple.

Each person in a relationship wants to feel that they are a priority to the other person. This is best shown by prioritizing time to be together. Just carving out the time and creating the space for a couple to interact speaks volumes to your mate. It can be over coffee, in bed on a Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon, or during a walk through the neighborhood (without your cell phone!). It needs to be a time when there are the fewest potential distractions. If you’re wondering what to talk about, Love Recon offers a book that provides 40 days of conversations, activities, and suggestions, along with a scripture for each day.   The title is 40 Days to a Thriving Relationship. 

2. Practice 2-3-2

What is 2-3-2? It is a fun way to ensure you have quality time as a couple. Here’s the explanation

• Every 2 weeks, have a date night.  
• Every 3 months, have a romantic getaway. 
• Every 2 years, take a vacation together. 

Remember, these are to be done just the 2 of you – no kids! (I’ve also heard this as 2-2-2, so every two months you have the out-of-town getaway. If you’re budget can handle it, go for it!) 

3. Start talking

It is so crucial that you move beyond surface communication. It’s not enough to share facts and opinions. Begin by discussing your feelings, and then share them. Your deepest communication should be with your spouse – not with a friend or family member. Practice active listening by being curious about your partner, mirroring back what they said, and validating their feelings. 

4. Get handsy

Touch each other! Hold hands, hug, snuggle, and sometimes have sex. You need to release those bonding hormones and endorphins that help you to feel connected and close. You don’t need sex, but your relationship does! I’ve heard that Golden Retrievers have a high level of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding. Don’t be more emotionally tied to your dog than to your spouse!

5. Surprise!

When was the last time that you surprised your spouse? Put a rose and a love note on their pillow. Write a poem from your heart. Even if it is corny, they will love it! Surprise them with tickets to an event or concert. What’s their favorite drink or snack? The list could go on. The key is to do something out of the ordinary to break the monotony and the routine.  

6. Pray Together

Renew your spiritual intimacy by praying and worshipping God together. If this is new to you, a Recon Coach can help you connect with God and each other at your request.  

Conclusion

Every relationship is susceptible to drifting into the Roommate Phase. You’re not mad- you’re just empty. Your relationship quality has diminished. If that is where you and your partner find yourself today, don’t be discouraged! You once had a deep emotional connection, and you can have it again. If you are intentional and work together, you can once again enjoy a functional and fulfilling relationship. Recon Coaching and Love Recon seminars are excellent resources to help you gain the tools to make your relationship thrive. We offer virtual coaching for your convenience. Let us know if we can help. It’s what we do!  

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• Does every couple experience the Roommate Phase?

  Not every couple will experience the phase of feeling like roommates. Typically, couples who have been together for an extended period are most susceptible to this condition. They don’t intentionally move into this phase. They slowly drift apart emotionally.

• Does being in the Roommate Phase mean that a couple is conflictual?

  Being in the Roommate Phase doesn’t mean that a couple is in conflict. In fact, they may seem to be courteous and considerate of each other – like good housemates. It is the emotional connection that is missing.

• What causes the Roommate Phase in a relationship?

  The causes of this relationship phase can be outside pressures and stress, lack of quality time, and a breakdown in the communication of feelings.

• What can a couple do to move out of the Roommate Phase?

  To overcome this phase, couples should prioritize quality time with each other, start talking using active listening skills, and engage in physical touch and sexual intimacy.