What to Ask Your Spouse About Their Affair
To learn that your spouse had an affair can be devastating. It is a betrayal of the most profound kind, and you want and need answers. You deserve them. Moving forward, with or without your spouse, requires the truth.
Some questions are needful and aid in healing, and some only make the wound more painful. It would help you to know the boundaries of the affair: the start, the duration, its end, its extent, etc. What you don’t need is a comprehensive account of every detail. You need adequate information to process it and put it in perspective. Detailed, exhaustive information will only fuel your pain and make it more difficult to heal and forgive. You don’t need unnecessary details that will trigger your pain in the future. In working with couples for over 20 years, I’ve had no spouses say that they wish they had asked for more details. However, I have had several wish that they had not demanded to know all the specifics of their partner’s infidelity.
Questions to Ask
Beginning the Conversation
- How do you feel now that this affair is in the open?
- How difficult for you was lying to me?
- Will you be honest and truthful with me now?
- Is this the first time that you have cheated on me?
About the Affair Itself
- When and how were you introduced to your affair partner? Where did you meet? What were the circumstances? Who introduced you?
- Who “made the first move?”
- When did you first have sex?
- How often did you meet, and how many times did you have sex?
- What did you tell your affair partner about us? Did they know that you have a spouse (and children)? How much did you disclose about our relationship to them?
- How much did you spend on the affair, and where did the money come from?
- Did you go out in public together? Out to restaurants, sporting events, shopping, movies, parties, etc.? (Specifics are not helpful. You are establishing the extent of the affair. For example, the name of the movie or the restaurant could become triggers that only cause further pain.)
- Who else knew about the affair?
- Did you exchange gifts? If so, do you still have anything they gave you?
- How and how often did you communicate? (Phone calls, texts, emails, social media posts, etc., and how many times a day, week, or month?)
- Did you talk about a future together?
About the End of the Affair
- How did the affair end?
- Is this affair over for you, and have you clarified that to them?
- Do you still have feelings for them?
- When was the last time that you had sex?
- When was the last time that you were in contact with them?
- Do they consider the affair over, or do they still want to be with you?
- Are they still trying to contact you? If so, what will you do to block communication?
About the Present
- Did you practice “safe sex”? Were you or the other person on contraceptives?
- Will you be tested for STDs?
- Are you presently attracted to anyone else?
- If you still want to be with me, what are the reasons?
- Are there any reminders of the affair that you haven’t disposed of?
(Mementos, gifts, emails, pictures, etc.) If not, will you do so? When?
- Is there anything else you need to tell me that I haven’t thought to ask?
- If I remain with you, are you willing to do what it takes to rebuild trust and make me feel safe with you again?
Questions to Avoid
Until there has been a measure of healing, some questions are not helpful to ask. They can even cause more unnecessary pain and create more hurdles to overcome in moving forward.
- Questions about the details. These can include the times and places where your spouse met their lover, specifics about behavior and events to which the affair was attached, etc. It is especially wise not to talk about specific sexual acts or behaviors. You will never be able to “unhear” or forget what you hear.
- Questions about “why” the affair happened. Later in the healing process, you can address what was missing in your relationship that might have contributed to the affair. Your spouse may feel profoundly guilty and genuinely remorseful. At this point, they may be reluctant to share anything that was missing in your relationship because it would seem they are shifting blame.
- Unanswerable Questions. There are certain questions that your spouse can’t possibly answer. Often the answers will only come as you seek counseling, individually and with your spouse. You will have to work through them and find your own answers. Questions like, “What am I supposed to do?”, “How can I ever forgive you?”, “Will I ever be able to trust you again?” and “How can I get rid of this anger?”
If either you or your spouse has been unfaithful, I encourage you to seek the help of a professional marriage coach, counselor, or trusted clergyperson in addressing these questions with your spouse. They can help you stay on course, begin the healing process, and help prevent further emotional damage. Love Recon offers marriage seminars, marriage retreats, and relationship coaching to help you work through the pain and injury caused by infidelity. It’s what we do.
