Causes & Effects Of Selfishness In Marriage

Causes & Effects Of Selfishness In Marriage

Underlying Causes of Selfishness

There are always reasons why people behave as they do, though those reasons are only sometimes apparent. In attempting to understand your own behavior or that of your spouse, consider some of the causes listed below.

• CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

This is obviously too broad of a topic to be covered in this blog; however, being aware of traumatic experiences from childhood can help you understand selfish behavior. If a child cannot trust anyone except themselves, they will often look out for themselves first. Abuse or abandonment will usually result in selfish behavior as well. Healing childhood wounds is the simple answer to the problem, but it is not easy.

• WORK STRESS

“I just want some time for myself,” is what a selfish person will say, even though they may have a spouse working just as hard as they are. They want to escape parenting and household responsibilities.

• STEREOTYPES

Men may display chauvinistic behaviors because of training and the influence of their peers. On the other hand, women may still want to be the “princess” who gets what she wants and is pampered regardless of the family budget. Both types of stereotypical behaviors are rooted in selfishness and damage a marriage.

• CHILDREN

Studies have shown that marital satisfaction dips after the birth of a child. One or both parents may give so much to the child that they neglect their spouse. The “daddy’s girl” may get daddy’s attention and affection because it rewards him for lavishing it on her. Likewise, the “momma’s boy” may become the man in the mother’s life because he thinks she can do no wrong and validates her.

Negative Effects of Selfishness in Marriage

Selfishness has detrimental effects on your marriage, a fact your spouse may be oblivious to. As a result, you may experience the following effects:

• DISTANCE

Both emotional and physical distance are the consequences of selfishness in a marriage. When a selfish spouse is more concerned with their comfort, needs, plans, etc. than their partner’s, hurt is the result. When someone is hurt, it is only natural to pull away from the source of that pain – in this case, their spouse. They begin to clam up and shut down emotionally because vulnerability means manipulation. Physical affection and closeness are a casualty as well. No healthy person wants to be used solely for someone else’s pleasure.

• LOW SELF ESTEEM

Too often, the “non-selfish” spouse suffers from feelings of inferiority. They buy into the criticism and neglect of their spouse, whose approval they desperately want. Since they never get it, they wonder whether they are good enough for their partner. These feelings of not being worthy or good enough then affect every area of their life, leading to self-doubt at work or in social situations.

• DESTRUCTION OF THE MARRIAGE

When the “non-selfish” partner has had enough of being ignored, manipulated, and uncared for, they will often bottle up hurt and anger. These pent-up emotions will seep into every interaction and create conflict and misunderstanding. Slowly over the months and years, the marriage begins to crumble. Looking to others to meet needs only a spouse should meet is a typical result. Divorce is frequently a result as well. For some, living under the same roof, but having separate lives, is the course that is taken.

If you want to know more about how we can help you build a strong marriage, please get in touch with me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.