Integrity and Trust in a Marriage Is Paramount With Growing Together

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Cliff Poe
June 17, 2021 My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
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Living with integrity is an essential part of life and relationships. Integrity within marriage is critical to the trust and security of the relationship.  Frequently we encounter couples who keep secrets or behave in disingenuous ways.  That’s a fancy term for “lying.”  It could be anything from secret bank accounts to internet activity to faking it when the baby cries so that the other person has to get up and take care of it.

There is an erroneous belief by some people that marriage doesn’t work without lies and what our spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt them.  WRONG! Even “little white lies” count.  Without integrity in marriage, trust is diminished and could even be destroyed.  And without trust, the relationship, in most cases, will not last.

Integrity inspires and builds trust in a relationship. In other words, trust is based upon integrity.  Therefore, it is essential to understand what it means to live with integrity.

WHAT IS INTEGRITY?
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  • Webster Definition: 1. Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; 2. The state of being whole, entire, uncorrupted, undiminished; the quality of being unimpaired.
  • It comes from the word “integer” which refers to a “whole number.” Thus, integrity points to wholeness or not lacking.
  • It means having your words and your actions in
  • Integrity is something that no one can take from you, but something you can choose to give away.
A Formula for Integrity: Integrity = Reliability + Honesty
  • Reliability is about Actions. It is not only doing what you said you would do when you said you would do it, but it is also being consistent over time. Good intentions alone are not enough to create reliability and build trust. There has to be consistency. Inconsistency will erode integrity and trust.
  • Reliability in Marriage: Don’t promise the moon to your spouse. Just deliver what you promise. As the saying goes, “under-promise and over-deliver.” Promises can lead to expectations and, if those expectations are not met, your spouse will doubt your reliability and integrity. Unmet expectations lead to hurt, disappointment and anger.
  • Reliability without honesty is not integrity. Honesty about everything- thoughts, feelings, plans, dreams, actions, conversations, interactions with others, the past, finances, etc. – is an emotional need and requirement in a relationship.
  • Honesty starts with honesty in the little things. Small acts of dishonesty, like the omission of information, can lead to more significant breaches of trust and more destructive consequences. Once deception has begun, lies must be told to cover previous lies, and truth and trust are the casualties.
  • Honesty when apart. When you are together with your mate, it is easier to be honest because you are together. However, when you are apart, it is easier to be dishonest and not act with integrity. One of the best ways to maintain honesty and integrity when you are apart is to have clear boundaries that give your mate a sense of security. You and your spouse must have discussions on setting boundaries and guidelines for areas such as:
    • Interactions with co-workers, both during and after work.
    • Interactions at the gym.
    • Business trips.
    • Social media.
    • Online activity.
    • Cell phones.
    • Account passwords.
  • An ancient proverb states, “The one who lives with integrity lives securely, but whoever perverts his ways will be found out.” (Proverbs 10:9) Clear boundaries that protect your integrity build security and reduce the stress and worry of being found out! 
  • Honesty of the heart: Emotional honesty is an essential type of honesty in building deep connection and intimacy in a relationship. Avoiding conflict is not necessarily walking in integrity.  You could just be delaying the inevitable.  You don’t have to say everything you think to your mate, but you must be honest with them about your feelings.  Stuffing feelings only leads to explosive words and actions later. These can be far more destructive than the expression of uncomfortable conversations about feelings.  And lying or pretending to your spouse about your feelings is dishonest!
BUILD OR REBUILD TRUST
  • If you are serious about this, then ask your spouse: “In our relationship, how have I been reliable? How have I been unreliable?  How can I be more reliable?”
  • Ask yourself:

Where have I been less than honest with my spouse?

What, if anything, do I need to confess to my spouse?

Where have I recently compromised?

Where am I currently compromising?

If trust has been broken, it is often difficult to regain in a relationship, no matter the area in which the trust was broken. Remember that it takes consistent actions over time to establish reliability and trust. Often, after forgiveness and a history of reliable behavior, trust is restored and stronger than ever.

If you need help, don’t hesitate to contact a relationship coach or counselor who can give you objective and insightful assistance. The Love Recon and Recon Coaching are two excellent resources, so don’t hesitate to contact us! 

  • How can we improve communication in our relationship?

    Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

  • What should we do if we have different interests?

    It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

  • How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

    Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

  • What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

    Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

  • How can we build trust in our relationship?

    Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.