Overcoming Barriers To Satisfying Sex

What’s Stopping You From Having a Satisfying Sex Life?

“Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce,” -says author Michelle Weiner Davis.

She contends that it isn’t a matter of how often a couple has sex, but how satisfied both partners feel: “A sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed.”

Just what are some of the barriers to satisfying sex and how can they be overcome?  There are two main areas in which these barriers have developed and are stopping you from enjoying satisfying sex together – your personal sexual history and your sexual history as a couple. 

What’s Your Meaning of Satisfying Sex?

As much as you may want to have a deeply connected and intimate love life, there are some real barriers in your personal sexual history that have to be overcome to get what you want and need.  Some of these barriers were your personal choice and can be cleared up and discussed with a renewed connection with your spouse. Others definitely were not.  But either way, to have the sex life that you want, you will need to address these barriers head on and remove them. 

• Distorted Views and Attitudes
  It could be that you were taught, either directly or indirectly, that sex is dirty and shameful.  Sex may have only been talked and joked about in degrading or secretive ways.  As a result, you may have experienced conflicting, even shameful feelings about your own sexuality. Discussing sex in a healthy manner and making love in affirming and non-degrading ways can help you overcome this barrier.

• Abuse
  Maybe you suffered from sexual abuse as a child, teenager or even as an adult.  This abuse will often be a huge roadblock, but it is not insurmountable.  As difficult as it may be, the first step is to forgive your abuser so that they no longer have power over you. A helping professional can help you if you get stuck. Then you will be on the road to healing and overcoming the negative effects of your abuse.  With a mate who is sensitive, patient and understanding, and with continued communication, you can achieve satisfying sexual intimacy. 

• Pornography
  Pornography is powerful in that it never says, “no.” All those neurochemicals that are released in the brain during a sexual experience enjoyed with your spouse, are also released when viewing pornography.  So, you are bonding with an image on a screen rather than with a real, live human being. And then the “law of diminishing return” kicks in which means it takes more of the chemical rush to produce the same effect. The obvious cure for this is to have satisfying sex with your mate, even if it takes more time and effort.  It will be worth it!  

• Addictions       
  Not only can pornography be addictive, but so can any form of sexual behavior that is about personal gratification.  This can be anonymous sex acts, prostitution, massage parlors, etc. Bringing the addiction out in the open and “de-shameifying” it will help to break its power and begin the healing. With understanding and support the addiction can be broken. 

• Manipulation
  Both men and women can be manipulative when it comes to sexual expression.  Men often learn to equate sex with accomplishment and conquest.  They can become very manipulative in their communication, humor, touch, etc. They can carry this behavior into a relationship and tend to manipulate their mate, sometimes without being aware of it. Women are often pressured to give their sexuality away, and often do, to gain love and acceptance.  This can lead to self-loathing and the “I’m damaged goods” syndrome. They can also manipulate by using sex as a tool to get what they want and use their partner for selfish reasons.  Learning to value your mate as a person and developing intimacy in your communication, emotions, and spirituality will break the manipulation habit

• Comparison
  Comparing your mate with previous sexual partners can be very damaging to your sexual intimacy.  Just as everyone has a different personality type or love language, so do we have different sexual personalities.  To compare your mate to someone else is unfair and hurtful. Learn your mate’s preferences, what turns them on, how they like to be touched, etc., not as a way to manipulate them, but to truly satisfy them- and  you!

Sexual History as a Couple

Not only do we have a personal definition of satisfying sex that may affect our sexual and create barriers, but we also have a sexual history together as a couple that can build barriers as well.  Some of the history may include things such as “mate rape”, rejection, watching porn together, including others in sex, affairs, prostitutes or homosexual encounters. Often times we see couples “clear the air” on these topics at our events and share a renewed passion going forward. Most often the negative sexual history that a couple shares is simply neglect and lack of effort or interest. Be honest with your mate and tell them what you feel has affected your relationship negatively. It may be necessary to forgive one another and have a fresh start with boundaries that protect both of you and your relationship.

Barriers to satisfying sex can be overcome with love, patience and understanding.  LoveRecon Seminars and Recon Coaching can help!

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.