Say What You Need to Say With Good Communication

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship…sharing your thoughts, feelings and emotions with a willingness to understand your mate’s perspective. ~ David Bishop, LoveRecon

You cannot understand your mate’s heart without getting into their mind. And the only way to do that is to have healthy communication. ~ Angie Craft, LoveRecon

Let’s start with the fundamental communication skill of reflective listening, sometimes called mirroring. This tool will prevent many arguments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It sounds simple, but it’s extremely difficult when you are in an emotional or frustrated state of mind. To mirror someone, you have to set aside your own feelings, perception and opinions. You cannot defend or try to set the record straight.

Mirroring is repeating as nearly word for word as you can what you heard. It’s as simple as saying, “What I heard you say…” If your mate repeats themselves over and over, the chances are that they are not feeling heard or validated for their viewpoint or feelings. Mirroring will help them to know that they have been heard. You don’t have to agree with your spouse, but it is important that you validate them by mirroring their thoughts and feelings.

Steps in Reflective Listening (Mirroring)

1.The listener listens and seeks to understand the speaker’s ideas, thoughts and feelings. The listener is focusing on what the speaker is saying and paying close attention to what they are feeling as well. The listener is listening to learn and understand all about the speaker’s perspective. The listener must not sabotage the process by interrupting, getting defensive or planning a rebuttal.

2. The speaker then clearly expresses their thoughts and feelings. The speaker must not sabotage the process by overloading the listener with too much information and too many feelings.

3 The listener then repeats back what the speaker said using their words. It is important to use their words so that they feel heard and validated. Do not paraphrase or summarize what you think they said. Speak their words back to them, especially the feeling words. Confirm with a question such as, “Did I get it?”

4. The speaker confirms the listener “got it” or gently tells them what they missed. You certainly don’t want to say something like, “No, you idiot! Don’t you ever listen? This is exactly our problem.” Respond with something like: “Well you got most of it, but I also wanted you to hear_________.”

Validating your mate’s perspective or feelings is extremely important as well. To do this, include phrases such as, “I can understand why you would feel that way” or “I haven’t thought about it like that before.” Validation is not agreement.

Now that you know what mirroring is, let’s practice it.

Dyad

Reflective Listening (Mirroring)

• Listener: Listens to Speaker
• Speaker: Clearly expresses their thoughts and feelings (Doesn’t overload!)
• Listener: Repeats using their words and asks “Did I get it?”
• Speaker: “You got it!” or Gently respond with corrections

Each of you will share about a meaningful time that you experienced together as a couple and how it made you feel. It could be a vacation or trip. It could simply be a “magical”, unplanned moment, but it is burned in your memory. Be sure to express how it made you feel. You will also each share what you want most for your relationship. Follow the bullet points above in your conversation as you fill in the blanks and discuss these two statements.

Decide who is “A” and who is “B”. Discuss these 2 topics.

A: A time that we shared that was meaningful to me was… and it made me feel…

B: What I heard you say… and it made you feel… Did I get it?

A: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…

B: A time that we shared that was meaningful to me was… and it made me feel…

A: What I heard you say… and it made you feel… Did I get it?

B: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…

A: What I want most for our relationship is… and if we had that I would feel…

B: What I heard you say…and if we had that you would feel… Did I get it?

A: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…

B: What I want most for our relationship is… and if we had that I would feel…

A: What I heard you say…and if we had that you would feel… Did I get it?

B: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…

Reflective Listening is your go-to tool anytime that you are having difficulty understanding each other or engaging in conflict. Use it and you will be amazed how it diffuses the emotions and allows you to move forward to resolve the issue!

Finish up with a hug, a kiss and a wish or prayer for your mate!

Find out more about our relationship seminars here.

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.