Time Out! – Take a Break

Time Out! – Take a Break

Connection and understanding are vital to any relationship. Relationship time outs allow you and your mate to process and digest without saying the wrong things in the heat of the moment.
~ Teresa Hicks, LoveRecon

As we know, relationship arguments can escalate quickly. When our hot buttons get pushed, we often begin to attack each other. Kindness and civility go out the window. Since we are feeling threatened, conflict can even reach a point of verbal or physical abuse.

One of the best ways to prevent your fights from escalating out of control is to take an effective time-out. A well-timed break must happen before partners start to feel overwhelmed. When either of you are emotionally flooded, the part of the brain that generates “loving feelings” shuts down and the part that generates the fight response takes over.

Don’t wait until you are in the heat of a disagreement to try to work out how to take a “time out.” Here are some steps that can help you prepare ahead of time so that you will be ready to take an effective time out when needed.

• Agree Upon a Signa First of all, agree upon a signal that will let you both know that the time out is needed. This can be a verbal or a non-verbal signal. A verbal signal could simply be to say, “Time Out!” or “Break!” Some couples decide upon a word that is unique to them like “Bananas” or “Sink Hole.” Non-verbal signals could be making a “T” with your hands, making the peace sign, or putting your fists together and making a breaking motion.

What signal, verbal or non-verbal, will you use to signal that a break is needed?

• Conversation Must Cease. Immediately stop talking! When a time out is called, both partners must agree to return the signal or key phrase and stop all conversation. There will be no last words, explanations, or a final comment. Don’t think to yourself, “We can take a time-out after I make my point,” because then a break will never happen.
• Calm Down. It takes most people at least 20 minutes to regulate their emotions and return to their normal self. Therefore, don’t attempt to re-engage in the conversation with your spouse until at least 20 minutes has passed. What can you do during this time? Take a walk, listen to music, read inspirational thoughts or scripture, pray, etc.

For a break to be effective, you need to make an intentional effort to replace these negative and destructive thoughts with relationship- building thoughts that will help you calm down. For example:
“It’s okay. I’m upset. Take some big breaths.” “This isn’t personal. We can work through this together.”
“I’m hurt and I love my partner. There’s something I’m not understanding right now and we will figure it out.”

• Re-engage. Come back together when the time is up. After the agreed upon break, if you are apart, text one another. The text could say, “I’m ready now for us to work together on resolving this,” or “I need some more time. Is it okay if we take another 20 minutes?” It is very important that your mate doesn’t begin to feel that you are abandoning them or avoiding the issue, so communicate!When you do come back together from the break, don’t just jump right back into the conflict. Take a few minutes and connect with each other at a heart level. Say what you appreciate about your mate. Hug for a moment and let your blood pressure lower. Doing this will let your brain know that it doesn’t have to signal your body to protect you!

Tips

• Practice taking a time out, even when you don’t really need to. It may sound silly, but it will help you use this tool effectively when you need it. If you have time, practice today.
• Don’t use any substances that would alter your thoughts or feelings during your timeout.

Make a Time Out Agreement

Come up with your own agreement. It could look something like this:

Our Time Out signal is________. We agree to take a _ minute break from each other and return when the time is up. If needed, I will request additional time to calm down. If my partner requests additional time to calm down, I agree to let them take that time if it’s not over an hour. I agree to avoid alcohol, drugs or any substances that might alter my thoughts or feelings during our time-out.

End with a hug, a kiss and a prayer or wish for your mate!

TODAY’S CHALLENGE: Speaking of a time out… how long has it been since you’ve taken a vacation – just the two of you? Decide where you want to go and when and set the date to take your “time out” getaway.

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.