What I Needed Growing Up and Now

What I Needed Growing Up and Now – Validation and A Relationship Exercise

Only the pain we feel and acknowledge can heal. Our heart only needs our own permission to heal.

~ Angie Craft, LoveRecon

Because none of us had perfect parents, there were certain needs that may not have been met by your parents as you were growing up. Your parents may have been model parents in the way that they raised you, and yet there may have been needs that weren’t met, such as a need for “space” to fail and grow or to have autonomy. On the other hand, your parents may have been guilty of neglect or abuse – even abandonment – when you were growing up. Circumstances or the lack of the ability or desire to meet your needs by your parents may have left a void in your life. Your mate can play a powerful role in the healing of your emotions by hearing and validating your feelings.

Dyad

The wife will be “A” and will go first in sharing about any damage that was passed down and then what she needed from her father and her
mother. She will answer all the questions. Then switch roles and the husband will share through all the questions.

A: Tell your mate what damage has been passed down from your parents and how your life would be different if you could heal from it.

B: Repeat back what you heard.

A: Tell your mate what you needed from your father that you didn’t get.

B: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say…” and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,”, etc.)

A: My relationship with my father affects our relationship by…

A: Tell your mate what you needed from your mother that you didn’t get.

B: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say…” and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened”, etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up”, etc.)

A: My relationship with my mother affects our relationship by…

Now it is B’s turn.

B: Tell your mate what damage has been passed down from your parents and how your life would be different if you could heal from it.

A: Repeat back what you heard.

B: Tell your mate what you needed from your father that you didn’t get.

A: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,”, etc.)

B: My relationship with my father affects our relationship by…

B: Tell your mate what you needed from your mother that you didn’t get.

A: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say… and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,”  etc.)

B: My relationship with my mother affects our relationship by…

End with a hug, a kiss and a prayer or wish for your mate!

Find out how Love Recon can help your marriage thrive!

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.