April 6, 2022

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Tips About Conversation Starters For Couples

It may seem unnecessary to you and your partner to use conversation starters but think about it. Do you talk about the same things over and over? How much of your conversation is about your daily work routine, household matters, the kids, and the pets? When was the last time that you had a conversation about matters of the heart? It’s not easy to bring these issues up, especially if you both are not focusing your attention on each other and the discussion.

If you have been together a long time, use the questions below to test how well you know each other. For example, sometimes a couple who has been married twenty years still knows each other only as well as they did in year two!

In the Life Recon and Love Recon seminars, we use “dyads” as a method to help two people in a conversation hone in on the topic at hand. You sit face to face with open body language and make eye contact. Eye contact is of supreme importance and happens with nominal frequency in many relationships. Our book, “40 Days to a Thriving Relationship, ” offers forty days of dyad topics and guided instructions for those who want a deeper and mutually satisfying relationship. 

Until you order your book (shameless plug!), you might want to get into a dyad with your partner and try some of these questions to get the conversation going Dedicate a  time when you can talk without interruption. A date at the coffee shop or sitting on a bench at a neighborhood park could work. The point is that you are being intentional and making space for some needed couple conversations.

Some of the questions will be fun and easy to answer. Others might be more difficult, and you will be tempted to avoid them. Don’t! Some of the richest and most bonding moments can come by pressing through and answering the more challenging questions.

Note: If you find yourself getting upset in answering some of these questions, there is a good chance that something inside of you is being triggered. If necessary, take a 30-minute timeout and then come back to the question. Recon coaching can help you identify triggers and give you the tools to manage them if you get stuck.

QUESTIONS TO START A CONVERSATION

Each of you answers the same question before moving to another one.

  1. What is your favorite memory from your childhood?
  2. Who was your best friend in childhood, and what did you enjoy about them?
  3. What was your most significant achievement in school?
  4. What achievement are you proudest of as an adult?
  5. What is your purpose in getting up every morning?
  6. What first attracted you to me? How has that changed?
  7. What is your favorite memory of us before we were married?
  8. When are you the gladdest that you married me?
  9. One quality that I admire about you is …, and it makes me feel …
  10. One that you do that I appreciate is …, and it makes me feel …
  11. What compliment from me would mean the most to you?
  12. What could I do to brighten your day?
  13. How could I say “I love you” without using words?
  14. Do I say that I love you often enough? Too much?
  15. Is there anything that I joke about that you wish I wouldn’t?
  16. Do I have any habits or things I say that annoy you? If so, what are they?
  17. What can I do so that you know that I am thinking about you?
  18. What would you most like to do if time and money were no object?
  19. Do you think I’m an optimist or a pessimist, and how do you feel about it?
  20. Am I spontaneous enough? Structured enough? What’s the basis for your answer?
  21. When we argue, is it mostly over nonconsequential matters or significant issues?
  22. Do you think we handle our differences or disagreements well? What could I do better?
  23. Is there anything that is difficult for you to discuss with me? Why? What could we do to make it easier?
  24. Do you think we share the responsibilities in all areas of our marriage? (household duties, parenting, sex, social life, spiritual matters, etc.) If not, what can we do?
  25. If we could only …, then our marriage/relationship would be …
  26. What do you like best about being a parent? Least? Why?
  27. Do you feel honored and respected by me around the children? How could I improve?
  28. Could we improve how we express love and affection around the children?
  29. What positive things have our children added to our lives?
  30. What is one specific wish or prayer that you have for each of our children?
  31. What experiences have helped you to believe that there is a loving God? Has anything caused you to doubt that?
  32. One thing that I have recently learned about God is …
  33. Some ways that I have seen you grow in the last year are …
  34. How important is a shared spiritual life to you?
  35. Are you fearful about the future? If so, what is it that frightens you? What can I do to help alleviate your fears?
  36. What do you do when you are offended or disappointed in our relationship?
  37. When you ask me for forgiveness, do you feel that I truly forgive you?
  38. When you make a mistake, do you feel that I am too hard on you?
  39. Do you feel that either of us keeps score or puts conditions on our love for each other?
  40. Do you ever feel insecure in my love for you?
  41. From your perspective, describe how [I, you, we] make decisions.
  42. Describe how [I, you, we] handle conflict from your perspective.
  43. What do you see as the strengths in our marriage/relationship?
  44. In your opinion, in what ways have we struggled as a couple and why?
  45. In what ways has our marriage evolved over the years?
  46. When do you think that we were at our best as a couple? When were we the happiest?
  47. If we could go back to our wedding day and give ourselves advice, what do you think you would say to the bride and groom?
  48. What goal(s) would you like to set with me that would cause us to grow closer together?

If you make communication a daily habit, you will be amazed at the growth you will experience individually and as a couple. Your partner will become your best friend, either for the first time or again. However, sometimes it takes getting away from it all and focusing on your relationship to jumpstart this process. A Love Recon seminar and marriage retreat is a great option!

About the author 

Cliff Poe

Cliff Poe is Founder and Lead Coach for Recon Coaching. He and his wife, Jeani, are Master Coaches and their passion is to help individuals and couples form healthy, lasting and satisfying relationships. Cliff has a M.Div. in pastoral counseling and ministry. He enjoys writing and coaching as well as his family which includes 2 adult kids and their spouses, 6 grandchildren and a fur family composed of a Golden Retriever and a Mackerel Tabby.


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