For Men: Pursuing Your Wife for More Love in Life
Most every couple who is struggling will say that their greatest need is communication. And while that may be true, often, the underlying feeling for the woman is that she is no longer a priority. She no longer feels pursued by her man. He was so attentive in the early stages of the relationship. Now she may wonder if she even crosses his mind during the day. Often, she uses such words as “empty” or “alone” when describing her current emotional state.
For the men reading this who find yourselves in this situation, don’t jump to defending yourself and pointing out her failures and weaknesses. Instead, take the high road and first consider what you can do to address her needs. If you focus on what you can do to extend goodness and love to her, you may be amazed at the goodness and love that will come back to you.
Misconceptions about Marriage.
Before we get into the ideas about how to pursue your mate so that she feels loved and a priority for you, consider how things came to be the way that they are for you and countless other couples. You are certainly not alone in trying to understand and correct this hurting part of your marriage. So what faulty beliefs got you here?
- Marriage is the goal. Because men are prone to be project-oriented and like to check things off their list, they often see marriage as a goal to achieve. However, marriage is not the destination. It is just the beginning of, hopefully, a long and satisfying journey. Just as on any journey, there will be difficulties, but there can also be surprises, adventure, and joy…and you can share it all with the person you love. Legacy, not marriage, is the goal. Wouldn’t you like to leave the legacy of a loving couple who ran the race together all the way to the end – even if it was using walkers?!
- Love should always feel natural or organic. Often, in relationship coaching or counseling, one of the persons will say, “It just shouldn’t be this hard!” Another typical statement is, “We have fallen out of love.” The truth is, real love is a choice. And it is also true that if you act lovingly, even when you don’t feel like it, the feelings of love will return. Even organic things need cultivation and care and take time to produce good fruit!
- Courtship is for the early stages of a relationship. This refers back to the first point – that marriage is the goal. Couples with mutually satisfying relationships continue to make memories together. A weekly date night, a weekend away, a ritual of having coffee together to start the day, or whatever connects you in the experience can continue your “forever” courtship. You’re in this relationship. Why not enjoy it? Why not enjoy each other?
How to pursue her.
Following are some ways to pursue her and action steps that you can take, starting today!
- Put yourself in her world.
This may be like entering uncharted territory! You will need to be patient, focused, and determined.
- Have a daily conversation with her and ask about her day, her needs, and her feelings. (I know. But you can do it!)
- Listen and seek to understand. Ask questions that help you know her and her perspective. (This is not about you)
- Do something with her that she enjoys, like a class, a movie, a walk, etc.
- Offer to do something that will lighten her load that day.
- Be affectionate.
This is not about sex! It is about caring for her heart which can be fragile or hurting.
- Use affectionate, tender words to express your love for her.
- By your actions, let her know that she’s still the one.
- Try a 10-second hug and then release. Let her know that you’re holding the world when you hold her.
- When it’s appropriate, be playful and flirty and have some fun!
- Have her back.
It is critical that your wife feels secure in the relationship and knows that you will back her up. In addition, she needs to know that you two are working together and not pulling in opposite directions on things like parenting, finances, plans for the future, etc.
- Make decisions together on all matters that pertain to your relationship. (Hint: It all pertains to your relationship!)
- Ensure that you have agreement, even enthusiastic agreement, in your decisions together. Be careful that she’s not just giving in.
- Value her opinions and trust her decisions.
- Have a unified front with her when it comes to dealing with the kids.
- Fight for her.
This is not to say that you should fight all of her battles for her. However, there are times when you can and should be her defender and shield.
- Don’t allow anyone to speak ill of her in your presence.
- Take opportunities to genuinely compliment her in the presence of others.
- Pray for her daily. Ask her how you can pray for her. Then, if you are comfortable, pray out loud for her while you are with her.
- Spend time with her.
As the saying goes, “You can make more money, but you can’t make more time.” Someday you will run out of time, and you won’t be able to get a “do-over.” So, today, will you intentionally invest some time in your life partner?
- Make a plan to spend time together. You plan it. Carve out some time each week for just the two of you.
- Capture the small moments. Stop and notice the sunset. Laugh together at a silly video. Give each other a “high five” when you beat the garbage truck running to get your trash to the street. Expand, enjoy and celebrate life’s little experiences.
- Do something spontaneous. “Hey, Babe! Get in the car and let’s… go get ice cream…go to the park…get a puppy (well, maybe that shouldn’t be spontaneous), etc.
These five simple steps can revolutionize your relationship if you put them into practice. A word of caution: Don’t be disappointed if she doesn’t immediately respond the way you want her to or think that she should. It is not about you getting what you want as much as it is about her getting what she needs to feel loved and pursued by you. Depending upon your history, it may take some time and consistent effort to trust that this is real. Be persistent and be patient. Then, when she does respond, let the Love Wars begin! (That’s when you “do battle” in trying to out-love each other.)