October 14, 2021

Love Recon Blended-Families

How To Find Out If Your Childhood Could Be Affecting Your Relationship

Any of us can bring emotional baggage from our childhood into our current relationship, and most of us do!  It is crucial that we are self-aware about this and don’t think that our partner has all the baggage.  Our attraction to them in the first place maybe because we had similar or equal baggage to them.  Looking at our baggage and damage is one of the first steps to growth and even healing in our relationship.

Below are some of the most common habits or behaviors that have their roots in childhood.  Evaluate your behaviors in light of these and think about what you can do to make changes to overcome the ones you see evidence of in you.

DEFECTIVENESS

This is thinking that you are unworthy and that you will never have a partner that respects you or feels that you are worthwhile.  You don’t believe that you deservelove recon Can-Marriage-Problems-Cause-Anxiety-and-Depression love or attention and will sabotage your partner’s efforts to love and respect you.  This can frustrate your partner and block love in your life.

ABANDONMENT

You are usually attracted to partners who cannot be there for you in a loving, committed way.  You become clingy because you are afraid of being left. This neediness can drive your partner and others away from you, resulting in the very thing that you fear most.

PERFECTIONISM

You feel that you must be the best in almost all that you do and are constantly driven to achieve and accomplish. Relationships suffer because you push yourself so hard, and others don’t feel they can measure up to your standards. You may quit something if it is frustrating or too challenging because you believe you have to do it right the first time you try. You also are prone to give in to avoid confrontation or conflict. This could cause your partner and others to view you as a slacker.

ENTITLEMENT

You hate to follow the rules and conventions of society.  Rules are for others and don’t apply to you.  Doing what you want and having what you want are most important to you. As a result, your partner may come to view you as selfish and incapable of loving them as much as you love yourself. 

MISTRUST

Do you have trouble letting your guard down? Do you believe that others will intentionally hurt you if you give them a chance? You may also feel that if someone is kind to you that they must have ulterior motives. Your emotional wall is up, shutting out others, even your partner.   Their frequent attempts to scale the wall to get to you may eventually exhaust them so that they give up.

EMOTIONAL STARVATION

You haven’t had anyone to nurture or care about you on a deeper level.  No one has taken the time to tune into your feelings and needs. As a result, you are uncomfortable with the emotions involved in deeper relationships. When your partner attempts to become emotionally intimate, your wall goes up.  The very thing that you are dying inside for is what you are blocking yourself from receiving.

SACRIFICE OF SELF

You always give in to keep the peace. You must please other people so that they don’t feel rejected.  You are guilt-ridden if you don’t put others’ needs before your own. In fact, you may not even know what your needs are. As a result, you are susceptible to being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner and in danger of losing yourself altogether.

PASSIVITY AND DEPENDENCE

It could be that you were never allowed to make decisions and experience the consequences of those decisions.  You may feel helpless, and you don’t trust yourself to make a decision without another person’s direction or input. You defer to your partner to make the decisions in your relationship and would be lost without them.

WEAK IDENTITY

You have a weak sense of personal identity and don’t know who you are without your partner. You look to your partner to “complete” you, and you have become enmeshed with them.  If they are not healthy, they could dominate you and feed their own ego. If they are healthy, they could begin to be suffocated by your lack of ability to be your own person, sucking the life out of them.

FEAR OF HARM OR ILLNESS

Somehow you learned that the world is a scary place, and you are always, metaphorically and maybe actually, monitoring your vital signs.  You are concerned about illness, natural catastrophes, accidents, attacks, home invasions, etc. You may even be hypervigilant, a germaphobe, and unable to relax with your partner – at home, on vacation, or anywhere. 

NEGATIVITY AND FAILURE

The glass is always half empty for you, and your focus is on the worst that could happen.  Failure is scary to you because you believe that it could bring heartache and ruin, so you are afraid to try for fear of making a mistake.  You think that failure just might be final.

 APPROVAL ADDICTION

Other people’s opinions and approval of you are extremely important to you.  Approval is your drug, and you are driven to gain it.  You may not be compelled to gain your partner’s approval, however.  You may take for granted that you already have it since they are in this relationship or marriage with you. It is common for approval addicts to excel at work, in volunteer and religious organizations, and in community involvement where they are acknowledged. Focusing more on the approval of others may leave your spouse feeling that they are not a priority for you.

“JUDGEYNESS”

You tend to judge the mistakes and shortcomings of others, including your partner and yourself. You tend to hold others, including yourself, to very high standards of behavior and performance. It is difficult for you to empathize with what others must be dealing with or feeling. Forgiveness does not come easy for you – again, for others or yourself. 

If you have identified which of these behavior(s) are the one(s) that you struggle with, congratulations!  You are halfway there in your journey to heal and overcome them.  Love Recon marriage seminar focuses on both individual healing and growth and couple healing and growth.  We provide the space for you to work on both.  That’s why the results are so incredible!

Recon Coaching, as well, can help you to heal and grow individually and also as a couple. Contact us today to discuss which option is best for you!

About the author 

Cliff Poe

Cliff Poe is Founder and Lead Coach for Recon Coaching. He and his wife, Jeani, are Master Coaches and their passion is to help individuals and couples form healthy, lasting and satisfying relationships. Cliff has a M.Div. in pastoral counseling and ministry. He enjoys writing and coaching as well as his family which includes 2 adult kids and their spouses, 6 grandchildren and a fur family composed of a Golden Retriever and a Mackerel Tabby.


Start Saving Your Relationship Today

Get our FREE 3-day guide and find out how
your marriage will change
in ways you've always dreamed.