Overcoming Negativity in Your Relationship
Are you or your partner prone to focus on the negative in the world, yourself, or other people? We all think negative thoughts from time to time, but chronic negativity can affect how you live, how you function, and how you love. It can also be detrimental to your mental health and wellness. Negativity can work its way into your relationships which can be irritating, frustrating, and destructive. If you are the negative-minded one, you can slowly degrade your partner’s quality of life which is selfish and even mean.
What Negativity Looks Like
Negativity can be subtle. How do you know if you or your partner are guilty of negative thinking and energy?
- Hypersensitivity to suggestions or small slights from your partner
- Expecting the worst in everyday life and possibly in the relationship
- Being argumentative over minor issues
- Reluctant to give compliments or praise
- Persistent moodiness with partner and family
- Being hyper-critical of self and others, especially your partner
- Not considering partner’s ideas and saying “no” before considering anything new
- Endlessly analyzing and overthinking everything
- Inability to find enjoyment in ordinary things
- Believing that others don’t like you
- Struggle to see yourself in a good or positive light.
- Pointing the finger of blame at your partner or others for any and everything.
- No resilience in recovering from rejection, disappointment, or bad news
Overcoming the Negativity Bias
We all possess what has been labeled as a “negativity bias.” Basically, anything bad or negative outweighs anything good or positive. We focus and dwell on the one thing that did not go well rather than the five things that did go well. It’s too common for this negativity to consume our relationships and distort our thinking. Chronic negativity may be deeply rooted and traced to your childhood, so how can you overcome this natural bias and your conditioning and turn it around? Try the following and see if you don’t notice a marked difference in your attitude and outlook.
- Think before you speak. Most of our responses are automatic because we don’t pause and think before opening our mouths. So, keep your mouth shut! There is power in a pause, and you may realize that you don’t need to say anything!
- Examine your mind and heart. What is your motive or reason for your response? Is what you are going to say true? Is it helpful or loving? Does it clarify things? Is it just your perspective, i.e., “your truth?” In the case of an idea proposed by your partner, can you “love it for five minutes?” before you evaluate or criticize it?
- Don’t focus on being “less negative.” Whatever you focus on, you move toward. Focusing on your need to be less negative will pull you back into negativity. Instead, focus on understanding your partner’s perspective and giving them compliments or praise. It may feel awkward at first but keep at it. You may create a whole new positive dynamic for your partner and yourself.
- Express gratitude. This is a positive way to say, “Stop complaining!” We all need to vent occasionally, but no one needs to hear all of our negative thoughts. Begin each day with three positive, grateful thoughts before your feet hit the floor. Express gratitude for your health, your job, your partner, your pets, etc. Include what they add to your life. Example: “I’m grateful for my two dogs because they provide companionship and get me out to walk every morning.” Especially write and talk about the things you appreciate about your relationship and your partner.
- Negative thinking is not a sign of intelligence. You may be assuming that people will admire your critical thinking by pointing out all the ways that things could go wrong. Wrong! They will perceive you as narrow-minded, unable to consider things from all angles, and simply pessimistic.
- Allow your anxious moments to pass. Being negative is often a byproduct of anxiety. We worry about what did go wrong in the past and what could go wrong in the future. You don’t have to do anything or say anything in response to your anxious moments. Get still and quiet and sit until the negativity and anxiety pass. Try meditation and prayer to calm and soothe yourself.
- Be forgiving. Unforgiveness is holding on to negativity, disappointment, hurt, or pain. Forgive as quickly as you can. By not forgiving, you are only causing further injury to yourself. Forgiveness is for you and keeps your heart open and your spirit free from bitterness and other negative emotions.
- Take care of yourself. Look after your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness for a healthy and satisfying marriage. Prioritize those things that keep you healthy and manage your stress. Include sufficient exercise, adequate sleep, good food, relaxation, and playtime.
- Be kind. Really, that sums it up. It’s just that simple. Be kind to your partner in your thoughts, words, and actions, and be kind to yourself.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman believes that every negative interaction a happily married couple has requires at least five positive ones to “balance it out” or even mitigate the negative interaction’s effect. It is possible for you to shift your relationship from one that is negative and unsatisfying to one that is positive and loving.
Love Recon marriage retreats and marriage conferences, and Recon Coaching can help. It’s what we do!