Like many people, you may have found yourself in a relationship that you are now questioning. It may be time to evaluate the relationship and pay attention to any warning signs that are present. Of course, it could also be that you are not in a relationship. Still, you could benefit from determining what your non-negotiables are and what flags in relationships you want to watch for when you are in a romantic relationship.
Ask yourself, “Do I feel safe with this person in my soul and spirit? “If the answer is “no,” you have some critical decisions to make.
Consider this list of 15 warning signs and determine which, if any, are present in your current relationship. Some of them can be worked through more easily than others. Others could indicate that you are in a toxic relationship and should seek couples therapy and relationship counseling.
1. Lack of communication.
Suppose the two of you cannot seem to communicate and get on the same page. In that case, you will have a challenging time resolving any relationship issues. On the other hand, if you are developing your communication skills and learning to connect at a deeper level, you will be able to resolve almost every issue.
2. Non-resolution of past relationships.
If parts of this person’s past relationship(s) keep appearing inappropriately in your relationship, that is a red flag. Some of that is unavoidable, especially if there are children involved. However, contact and conversation with a former lover should be limited to only the necessary interaction. Unresolved anger and bitterness toward a former partner will seep over into your relationship. Forgiving and moving forward are critical to the health and happiness with your romantic partner.
3. Dark or secretive past.
“An open book” should describe this person’s life, especially if the relationship will be more than a surface one. Evasiveness about the past and an unwillingness or inability to open up to you are red flags you shouldn’t ignore.
4. Physical abuse.
If the person that you are with threatens you with physical force or actually does use physical force to control or manipulate you, then that is a huge red flag. The first step is to remove yourself from the situation and get to a safe place so that you can think more clearly and make good choices.
5. Verbal and/or emotional abuse.
Verbal or emotional abuse can be more subtle. Still, they are just as destructive to your psychological well-being and mental health. If someone consistently makes you feel “less than,” if they make you feel “smaller” rather than lifting you up, then that is a red flag.
6. Addictive behaviors.
There are many forms of addiction. All of them are danger signs because, no matter what the addiction, it will take priority over you and the relationship. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, sports, shopping, work, gaming … all can chip away at your relationship. You will have less and less of this person’s love, and the addiction will have more and more. If the addiction is not active, there is hope that you can have a healthy relationship as long as they do the work to stay “sober” and in recovery.
7. Neglected mental health concerns.
- depression
- uncontrollable anger
- anxiety
- bipolar disorder
- post-traumatic stress disorder
These are just some of the more common issues that may be going untreated. The operative word here is “untreated.” If these issues are being treated and managed well, then a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship should be possible.
8. Erratic behavior.
“Irresponsible, immature, unpredictable, inconsistent.”
Do these words describe your person? Do they show up when they say they will? Do they keep their word? Do they consistently treat you with love and respect and make you feel that you are a priority? If they are hot and cold, pulling you close and then pushing you away, that should be a warning sign to you.
9. Possessiveness.
A little jealousy and possessiveness are natural and even healthy. However, demanding all of your time and attention and becoming jealous of friends and family is a red flag. You are not a “possession.” You are a person. In a healthy relationship, there is plenty of room for other significant people in your life.
10. Narcissism.
A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. They believe that the world revolves around them. They require a constant supply of attention and admiration. In the early stages of your relationship, they may “love bomb” you by showering you with their time, attention, and thoughtful gifts. However, all of this stops, and their attention and interest revert to themselves. Another sign of narcissism is “gaslighting.” This is a favorite tool that narcissists use to control those with whom they are in a relationship. It is, by definition, manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their sanity. Typical gaslighting statements are:
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You have a terrible memory.” …
- “You’re crazy — and other people think so, too.”
- “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.
11. Manipulation
A person doesn’t have to be a narcissist to be controlling. They can be very subtle and passive-aggressive. If your partner attempts to convince you to do things that you are not comfortable doing, withdraws until they get their way, or attempts to manipulate your feelings, you are being played. They may also say things about you to your family and close friends, indicating that you are not acting rationally and playing upon your loved ones’ concern for you.
12. Isolation
This is when your partner tries to distance you from family and friends. It can begin with them simply asking for more one-on-one time with you. However, it can slowly develop into demands that you don’t see certain people and culminate in demanding that you choose between them and your family or friends. If you feel dependent upon them for love and acceptance or finances, you are particularly vulnerable to this form of manipulation.
13. Emotional distance
When someone can’t empathize with you or open their own heart to you, that is a warning that you won’t have the relationship you desire with them. That emotional unavailability may only worsen with time if not addressed and intentionally worked on. You can have the intimate relationship that you need and desire.
14. Betrayal
If your partner is disloyal to you in any way – sharing private information about you, lying, excluding you, being two-faced, being financially dishonest, engaging in an emotional affair, or cheating on you – they are betraying you and your relationship. Broken trust is difficult to overcome. Building trust once it has been broken takes honesty, consistency, and time.
15. Constant fighting.
Disagreements and conflict are part of being in a relationship. Constructive conflict management can even lead to greater couple satisfaction and happiness. Persistent bickering and personal attacks will eventually erode a relationship to the point that it completely dissolves. One of the negative consequences and finding no middle ground is decreased enjoyment of your intimate life and the creation of intimacy issues. If you “fight” instead of working together to resolve the underlying issues, that’s a red flag.
“Should I get out?”
If you have to constantly convince yourself to stay, then it may be time to go. If your intuition says that this isn’t working and never will, make as clean a break as possible. Then healing can begin, and your life can move forward. But before you make your exit, here are some things to consider:
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Is this relationship difficult, or is it destructive?
A difficult relationship can become a fulfilling and healthy one with some hard work. No relationship is consistently easy and fun. Often, the best chance at happiness is to make your current relationship work. With mutual respect and a willingness to try, things could be turned around in your romantic relationship. However, if it is destructive to you, then it is important that you remove yourself to a safe space and consider your next steps. Intimate partner violence of any kind is never okay!
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Do you see a pattern in your relationships?
Suppose you leave this relationship, and nothing changes in you. In that case, you will likely follow the same pattern in the next relationship. You may be contributing to the dysfunctional relationship dynamics and repeating the same negative experience. What if you grew and changed in the context of your current relationship? What if you both did?
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What is triggering you in this relationship?
Maybe it’s not a red flag in your partner that you see but something from a previous relationship that hurt you and hasn’t healed. Individual therapy could bring healing and personal development and lead to a deeper understanding of yourself.
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Is this warning sign a non-negotiable for you, or is it a workable difference?
So many conflicts in a relationship are rooted in personality type, personal preferences, or perspectives. These can be worked out with good communication skills and a willingness to negotiate and sacrifice for each other and the relationship.
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Have you asked for objective feedback from trusted loved ones and friends?
What do they see in you or your relationship that you don’t? For what do you need confirmation?
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How does this person respond to you when you bring up your concerns?
Are they open to addressing them with effective communication, or do they attempt to shut you down? Will they work on them and follow through? Talking with them gently and kindly is the only way to determine their response. As we say in Love Recon, “Gentle up!” There is an old saying that applies here as well, “Say what you mean; mean what you say … and don’t say it mean!” If they reject your attempts to deal with the issues, then you can predict what the future with them will be like.
Reach Out for Help
Recon Coaches are trained master relationship coaches who can help you make the right choices for you and your relationship. Life Recon and Love Recon seminars are excellent resources for you as well. Call 866-218-1716 or visit LoveRecon.org to find out how we can help!
If you’re being abused…
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224). You may speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You may also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
