Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship…sharing your thoughts, feelings and emotions with a willingness to understand your mate’s perspective. ~ David Bishop, LoveRecon
You cannot understand your mate’s heart without getting into their mind. And the only way to do that is to have healthy communication. ~ Angie Craft, LoveRecon
Let’s start with the fundamental communication skill of reflective listening, sometimes called mirroring. This tool will prevent many arguments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It sounds simple, but it’s extremely difficult when you are in an emotional or frustrated state of mind. To mirror someone, you have to set aside your own feelings, perception and opinions. You cannot defend or try to set the record straight.
Mirroring is repeating as nearly word for word as you can what you heard. It’s as simple as saying, “What I heard you say…” If your mate repeats 
themselves over and over, the chances are that they are not feeling heard or validated for their viewpoint or feelings. Mirroring will help them to know that they have been heard. You don’t have to agree with your spouse, but it is important that you validate them by mirroring their thoughts and feelings.
Steps in Reflective Listening (Mirroring)
- The listener listens and seeks to understand the speaker’s ideas, thoughts and feelings. The listener is focusing on what the speaker is saying and paying close attention to what they are feeling as well. The listener is listening to learn and understand all about the speaker’s perspective. The listener must not sabotage the process by interrupting, getting defensive or planning a rebuttal.
- The speaker then clearly expresses their thoughts and feelings. The speaker must not sabotage the process by overloading the listener with too much information and too many feelings.
- The listener then repeats back what the speaker said using their words. It is important to use their words so that they feel heard and validated. Do not paraphrase or summarize what you think they said. Speak their words back to them, especially the feeling words. Confirm with a question such as, “Did I get it?”
- The speaker confirms the listener “got it” or gently tells them what they missed. You certainly don’t want to say something like, “No, you idiot! Don’t you ever listen? This is exactly our problem.” Respond with something like: “Well you got most of it, but I also wanted you to hear_________.”
Validating your mate’s perspective or feelings is extremely important as well. To do this, include phrases such as, “I can understand why you would feel that way” or “I haven’t thought about it like that before.” Validation is not agreement.
Now that you know what mirroring is, let’s practice it.
Dyad
Reflective Listening (Mirroring)
- Listener: Listens to Speaker
- Speaker: Clearly expresses their thoughts and feelings (Doesn’t overload!)
- Listener: Repeats using their words and asks “Did I get it?”
- Speaker: “You got it!” or Gently respond with corrections
Each of you will share about a meaningful time that you experienced together as a couple and how it made you feel. It could be a vacation or trip. It could simply be a “magical”, unplanned moment, but it is burned in your memory. Be sure to express how it made you feel. You will also each share what you want most for your relationship. Follow the bullet points above in your conversation as you fill in the blanks and discuss these two statements.
Decide who is “A” and who is “B”. Discuss these 2 topics.
- A: A time that we shared that was meaningful to me was… and it made me feel…
B: What I heard you say… and it made you feel… Did I get it?
A: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…
- B: A time that we shared that was meaningful to me was… and it made me feel…
A: What I heard you say… and it made you feel… Did I get it?
B: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…
- A: What I want most for our relationship is… and if we had that I would feel…
B: What I heard you say…and if we had that you would feel… Did I get it?
A: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…
- B: What I want most for our relationship is… and if we had that I would feel…
A: What I heard you say…and if we had that you would feel… Did I get it?
B: You got it! OR Most of it, but I also wanted you to hear…
Reflective Listening is your go-to tool anytime that you are having difficulty understanding each other or engaging in conflict. Use it and you will be amazed how it diffuses the emotions and allows you to move forward to resolve the issue!
Finish up with a hug, a kiss and a wish or prayer for your mate!