12 Relationship Mistakes Couples Make
In working with couples in Recon Coaching and Love Recon seminars, we see common mistakes that couples make in their relationship. An awareness of these mistakes can help you avoid them or proactively work to correct them so your relationship can thrive. Conversely, ignoring or suppressing these could lead to breaking up your current relationship and repeating the same mistakes in a new relationship.
- Carrying past baggage and damage. It is important to accept what has happened and realize that you can’t change it. However,
you can address it and take action to dump it and heal from it. It may not have been your fault, but it is your responsibility! Note: You will be attracted to someone with about the same amount of baggage and damage as you. Therefore, the healthier you are, the healthier the partner that you attract will be!
- Dragging up past issues in conflict. Too often, one or both of the couple will bring up past issues that were seemingly settled to gain leverage in a disagreement. The key is to truly forgive one another and resolve to leave the past in the past. It’s simple but challenging.
- Not taking responsibility. Typically, we want our spouse to change, and we have a list of what they could do to improve things. Unfortunately, this creates defensiveness in them and even builds a wall between you and them. Instead, own up to your mistakes or shortcomings. Look at yourself and change what needs to change. Be the change that you want to see in the relationship.
- Talking louder or talking down to our spouse. Talking to your spouse as if they were a child or somehow beneath you is damaging and hurtful. Your spouse is your equal in the relationship. Of course, you each may be more experienced, knowledgeable, or gifted in certain areas than your partner, but that doesn’t justify talking to them in belittling tones. And talking louder is just rude and often escalates the conflict and creates a hostile environment.
- Engaging in the Avoiding-Pursuing cycle. One person will seek to avoid conflict or disagreement at all costs. Even when they don’t, they may agree just to “settle “the matter. Walking out of the room is also an attempt to flee from the issue. Sometimes they will beg for their partner to stop.On the other hand, the pursuer will not be satisfied until the matter is settled. They will push to get a resolution and feel that the other person will continue to avoid the issue if they don’t. So, they will follow the avoider into the other room to force a resolution or bring it all up again a short time later.
- Having unrealistic or unmet expectations. It is surprising how many couples have expectations they have never discussed, yet they hold their partner responsible for meeting them. It could be anything from who takes out the trash to how many times a week they have sex. Examine your expectations of your partner and yourself and discuss them to ensure you are being realistic.
- Too much “we” and not enough “me.” It is healthy to enjoy activities apart from your partner. Same-sex friendships and hobbies that include good people make you more well-rounded and balanced and benefit your relationship. Insecurity and the lies it causes you to believe hurt a relationship.
- Not setting boundaries with your partner. Be clear about what you will and will not tolerate. Be true to your core values and beliefs. This does not mean that you should be controlling, however.
- Not supporting each other in parenting. Your parenting style may differ from your spouse’s, but it is essential to support one another. If you disagree, share that privately and not in front of the kids. Negotiate and compromise and create a parenting strategy you both can live with.
- Not making your relationship a priority. Being busy doesn’t necessarily mean that what you are doing is important or should be a priority. Yes, your schedule may be packed with your job, kids, soccer practice, ballet practice, sports, exercise, church involvement, etc., but all of these should take second place to your relationship. Make sure to protect your time together. A weekly time to connect with and enjoy your spouse is critical.
- Failing to set boundaries with others. Innocent friendships and relationships can turn into emotional or physical affairs that promise to meet unmet needs. Set acceptable boundaries around your relationship. Include social media, work lunches, out-of-town trips, alcohol consumption, etc. This will build trust and strengthen your relationship.
- Ignoring the “elephant in the room.” Not talking about a recurring problem or issue will not cause it to go away. It is similar to capturing termites in the living room and releasing them in the basement where you can’t see them. The structure of the house will someday fail. Share your thoughts and feelings about the problem or issue. It could be anger, alcohol or other substance use/abuse, pornography, overspending, etc. Anxiety builds when issues are not discussed. A sense of relief emerges when they are. So, say what you mean, but don’t say it meanly! If you need help, engage a family therapist, counselor, or life and relationship coach.
If you would like to discuss how we can help you and your relationship, don’t hesitate to contact me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.