How Criticism Harms Your Marriage and How You Can Avoid It

Criticism Harms Your Marriage and How You Can Avoid It

In a relationship is when we focus on the negatives, the flaws, about our spouse and set ourselves up as their judge and jury. This article explains how criticism harms your marriage and how you can void it. It can be expressed in several ways, including disapproval, harsh critiques, attempts to correct our spouse, blame for the problems or issues in the relationship, nitpicking, or efforts to fix them. Does any of that sound familiar? The critical partner may believe that they are seeking to make the relationship better, to improve it, through their words and actions. However, their criticism may be toxic to the relationship. Toxic criticism is when someone chews you out, rips apart your ideas and opinions, or denigrates you and your abilities in front of others. This kind of criticism can be harmful to a marriage in several ways.

How Criticism Harms Your Marriage

• Erosion of Trust

Continual criticism breaks down the trust between partners. If a person feels judged and criticized constantly, they will likely begin to wonder if their partner accepts them, or if their critical spouse loves them at all. The criticized spouse may then withdraw and withhold their love and affection, in effect building a wall of protection around themselves. They will not allow themselves to be vulnerable because they don’t view their spouse as emotionally safe. When trust is dissolved, marriage help may be required to learn how to restore it.

• Damage to Self-Esteem

Ideally, your spouse is the person that you turn to for love, acceptance, and affirmation. You tend to give weight to their opinion of you in most areas of your life. They can heavily influence your sense of worth and value. If they are continuously critical of you, then they can damage your self-esteem and self-worth, causing you to feel inadequate, insecure, and unloved. This, again, can lead to emotional distance and resentment

• Negative Environment

Toxic, continual criticism creates a negative and hostile environment. No marriage can flourish in such an atmosphere. Conflict, defensiveness, and lack of intimacy in all areas can result. You can have sex, but without intimacy. You can go to concerts or events, or take fabulous vacations, but not really enjoy these experiences because of the put-downs that are always a part of them. You may manage your finances well together but find no joy in building a life and future with your mate. Intellectually, you may long to discuss your plans and dreams, but you hold back because you know that your spouse will throw cold water on them.

Spiritually, there is no “one-ness” or connection at the deepest levels because of the lack of trust as discussed above. Love cannot grow in this kind of environment. Being proactive and doing things like attending an interactive marriage seminar can give you the tools that you need to create a more positive environment for your relationship.

• Communication Breakdown

Criticism is one of the top Communication Killers. (See blog entitled, “How to Improve Communication in Marriage.”) Why is this so? Well, if emotional walls are up as a defensiveresponse to criticism, there can be no effective communication. Surface conversations are the only “safe” ones, but talking about the weather or who’s picking up the dry cleaning are not the only kind of communication that you long for and desire in a marriage!

How To Avoid Being a Toxic Critic

• Practice Empathy

Before jumping to criticism, make the effort to understand your spouse’s perspective and feelings. Attempt to identify with their feelings. Seek to learn as much as you can about them so that you will grow in the understanding and appreciation of them. Be compassionate!

• Use “I” Statements

If you will use “I” statements: “I want, I feel, I need, I believe, etc.”, your spouse will be less defensive. You won’t sound accusatory and will focus more on your own emotions. Just be careful not to say something like, “I feel that you….”!

• Focus on the Behavior

Focus on the behavior, not the person. Don’t attack or criticize your spouse, but rather address the specific behaviors that are of concern to you. Express how those behaviors make you feel so that your spouse can better understand why they bother you. This will help to separate the issue from their character and will also reduce defensiveness.

• Offer Constructive Feedback

If possible, frame your concerns as suggestions for improvement and growth. Instead of pointing out your spouse’s flaws, try focusing constructive feedback. Let them know that you are open and willing to change and grow as well. No one grows without feedback, and that is as true of relationships as it is in any area of life.

• Practice Active Listening

Be attentive and genuinely listen to your partners perspective. Don’t interrupt and don’t become defensive. Repeat what you heard them say before you respond to be certain that you
are clear on what they are saying. Validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Example: “I understand how this could make your angry/sad/anxious, etc.” If you validate them, the emotional intensity level will drop, and you can better communicate with one another.

• Express Appreciation and Gratitude

If you will express appreciation and gratitude to your spouse, you will help to create a positive and nurturing environment. Balance criticism with regular expressions of appreciation and gratitude. It is best if you will have five expressions of appreciation and gratitude for each criticism. Remember, building a healthy and fulfilling marriage requires open communication, understanding, and support. By avoiding criticism and adopting constructive approaches, you can create a more loving and supportive environment for both you and your partner.

• Choose Your Timing Wisely

Criticism can be especially harmful when it is delivered in the heat of the moment or during times of stress. Instead, find a calm and appropriate time to discuss your concerns with your partner. This allows for a more productive conversation and reduces the likelihood of it escalating into an argument.

• Practice Self-Reflection

Could it be that your own behavior may be contributing to the issues that you are being critical of? Take some time and reflect on your own possibly unresolved emotions that need to be addressed. Consider what changes that you could make to improve the relationship. Work on self-awareness and personal growth and you will be able to manage your own reactions and responses.

• Seek Marriage Help

If criticism is a persistent issue in your marriage, don’t be afraid to seek out marriage help through a reputable counselor, relationship coach, marriage seminar, or marriage retreat. You can acquire the guidance and tools to help you and your partner navigate through challenges and improve communication.

A healthy marriage requires intentionality, effort, understanding, and a commitment to grow, as an individual and as a couple. Love Recon resources can help. It’s what we do! You can visit our website at LoveRecon.Org, call 866-218-1716 or email me at cliff@loverecon.org.

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.