How I Sabotage Myself and My Relationship

How I Sabotage Myself and My Relationship

We play self-destructive games and then complain about or blame others for our circumstances. Self-sabotage always works.    ~ Jeani Poe, Love Recon

Any behavior you engage in that sabotages you and prevents you from experiencing your best life and/or best relationship is a self-defeating behavior. Self-defeating behaviors are obstacles and barriers to reaching your goals. They can be distractions that get you off track. Often, they drain your energy and creativity and exhaust you so you don’t have the power to create the life and relationship you want with your partner. Until you acknowledge them and dare to overcome them, you will live in a cycle of making attempts and being defeated. You will merely survive. Once you and your spouse each become aware of your self-defeating behaviors, you can deal with them and reach a whole new level in your individual lives and in your relationship.

Some common self-defeating behavior patterns are:

• Procrastination
• Stubborn pride – always have to be “right”
• Unwillingness to ask for help
• Being a “people pleaser”
• Comparing yourself to others
• Feeling undeserving of good things
• Perfectionism
• Fear of taking a risk
• Negative self-talk (echoes in your mind)
• Negative Guilt and Shame (I should…I’m horrible)
• Being easily distracted (phone calls, social media, “squirrel!”)
• Focusing on the past

Overcoming Self-Defeating Behaviors

The first step in overcoming these self-sabotaging behaviors is to identify them. This could be a relationship-building experience if you and your spouse work through the exercise together, identifying your self-defeating behaviors and how they affect you as a couple. If you do this together, each of you grab a notebook or a sheet of paper to use as a worksheet as you follow the following instructions:

Read through the list above again and this time, pick out your top three. If you have another predominant self-defeating behavior that’s not on the list, include that in your top three.

Use a notebook, a pad of paper, a laptop, or whatever works best for you and work through the following bullet points:

• I think that my top three self-defeating behaviors are… (List them.)

Be vulnerable and ask your spouse to look at the list and choose what they would say your top three self-defeating behaviors are. They may be able to see in you what you cannot see within yourself.

Now consider how your self-defeating behaviors have affected you and your relationship. You don’t live in a vacuum. These self-defeating behaviors have impacted your life. Not only that but your relationship has been damaged or diminished by them as well. Be honest and complete this statement for each of the behaviors:

• I believe this behavior has affected my life and our relationship by…

Consider now what drives the non-productive or damaging behaviors. Is it fear – fear of failure, fear of success, or fear of intimacy? Is it a negative belief that keeps you stuck – I’m not good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, etc.? Complete the following statement for each of your top three self-defeating behaviors:

• The underlying fear or belief that has kept me trapped in this behavior is…

The final step is identifying a belief or fundamental truth that will enable you to defeat the self-defeating behavior itself. Formulate a positive affirmation statement that you can repeat when tempted to engage in the behavior you seek to eradicate from your life. It could be a statement such as, “I am worthy and capable of success!” Typically, the statement is simply the opposite of the fear or negative belief that has trapped you. Write a statement for each of the negative, self-defeating behaviors.

• The belief or truth that I will use to conquer this behavior is…

Then, as an extra measure of accountability, tell your spouse, “I give you my permission to lovingly point out to me when I am engaging in any self-defeating behavior.”  With the support and help of a loving spouse, you can each be better than you were before, and your relationship will become even richer and more satisfying to you both!

If you want to discuss how we can help you and your relationship, please contact me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.

• How can we improve communication in our relationship?

  Improving communication starts with active listening. Make sure to give your partner your full attention when they’re speaking. Avoid interrupting and show empathy towards their feelings. Regularly check in with each other about your needs and feelings, and set aside time for meaningful conversations without distractions.

• What should we do if we have different interests?

  It’s natural for couples to have different interests. Embrace your individuality while finding common activities you both enjoy. Respect and support each other’s hobbies and passions. You can also try introducing each other to your interests and see if there are new things you might both enjoy together.

• How can we keep the romance alive after many years together?

  Keeping the romance alive requires effort from both partners. Plan regular date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and maintain physical affection. Communication is key—express your love and appreciation for each other frequently. Also, make time for new experiences and adventures together to keep the relationship exciting.

• What is the best way to handle disagreements and conflicts?

  Handling disagreements requires calm and respectful communication. Focus on the issue at hand without resorting to personal attacks. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner. Find a compromise or solution that works for both of you, and don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist if needed.

• How can we build trust in our relationship?

  Building trust takes time and consistency. Be honest and transparent with each other, and follow through on your commitments. Show reliability and dependability in both big and small matters. Address any breaches of trust openly and work together to rebuild it. Trust is reinforced through consistent actions and open communication.