Communicating With Less Stress

Communication is the bedrock, the foundation for a healthy relationship, yet it is common for couples to struggle in this area. This is true, even if their communication is not about solving a problem or dealing with an issue of conflict. The stress of everyday life spills over into how we treat and talk to each other.

Communication involves both verbal and non-verbal components.

1. Verbal communication involves spoken words, written words, and voice tone. Tone is essential. A harsh, demanding, or whining tone can effectively cut off communication with your partner.
2. What we say matters, but how we say it matters more.
3. What we don’t say also matters – This can be passive-aggressive behavior. For example, holding thoughts hostage until a ransom is paid. In other words, “I’m not telling him/her this as a way of punishing them.”
4. Non-verbal communication is just as important as verbal. Remember this from speech class? Communication is 7% Spoken Words; 38% – Tone of Voice; 55% – Body Language.

Are you making eye contact? Are your arms open or folded? How close are you to each other when you are talking? Does your body language say that you are relaxed or tense? What does your facial expression convey? Are you fidgeting, or worse, checking your cell phone?

5. “Hearing” and “listening” are two different things. Hearing is passive and requires little mental effort and no personal investment.  Listening is active and demands personal investment.

Good listening is the key to reducing stress in your conversations.

How to Listen to Your Spouse

“Active Listening” is a proven way to help resolve conflict, but it is also a great, stress-relieving way to listen to each other when you are having a conversation. Here are the basics for Active Listening.

• One at a Time. Talking over each other in a conversation is stress-producing, so take turns. If you know you will get a turn, you can relax and focus on what your partner is attempting to relay to you, including what they are feeling. Take turns. 

• Don’t Interrupt. Give them your undivided attention, and don’t interrupt, even if you think that you need to advise them or correct their account.
• Show Interest and Ask Questions. Don’t lose eye contact with your partner, and don’t let your mind wander. One way to stay engaged and show interest is to ask clarifying questions such as, “Now, what is Sue’s position in your company?”. Stay away from questions that would sound judgmental or give advice such as, “Why didn’t you just …?”. 

• Don’t Criticize or Advise. Your partner needs to be heard and validated by someone who loves them. If they ask for your critique or advice, then you have their permission to give it to them. Otherwise, just listen and don’t try to fix it! 

• Don’t Change the Subject. What your spouse is saying may trigger something in your mind that you want to talk about. Don’t! It’s not your turn. Stay with the topic that they are talking about. 

• Express Empathy and Understanding. Empathy is sharing the feeling(s) that they are experiencing. Allow yourself to feel those same feelings. Walk in their shoes and identify with what they are saying to the best of your ability. 

• Be Affectionate. Express your affection in words such as, “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” etc. Holding hands, putting your arm around their shoulder, or hugging might also be appropriate. 

• Be on Their Team. Be supportive of your spouse, even if you don’t completely agree with how they handled the situation or think they may be unreasonable. Let them know that you are a team and present a united front against anything that would seek to divide you. 

• Validate Their Feelings. To validate doesn’t mean to agree. To validate is to say, “I value you – your thoughts, your perspectives, your emotions.” For example, you could say something like, “I understand how that could make you feel overlooked (or whatever they have communicated).” Validation is sorely missing in most human interactions, so make sure it isn’t missing in your relationship with your spouse!

Active Listening is one of the many tools taught and practiced in Love Recon, the premiere marriage help seminar. It will increase the level of emotional attraction that you feel for each other and decrease the stress that pushes you apart emotionally. Emotional attraction is even more important than physical attraction in creating sexual intimacy. Try the communication methods listed above and see for yourself how your sex life improves!