Help Your Spouse Heal from Childhood Wounds
Only the pain we feel and acknowledge can heal. Our heart only needs our own permission to heal. ~ Angie Craft, Love Recon
Because none of us had perfect parents, your parents may not have met certain needs as you were growing up. For example, your parents may have been model parents in how they raised you, yet there may have been needs that weren’t met, such as a need for “space” to fail and grow or to have autonomy. On the other hand, your parents may have been guilty of neglect or abuse – even abandonment – when you were growing up. Circumstances or the lack of the ability or desire to meet your needs by your parents may have left a void in your life. Your and your mate can play an influential role in healing each other’s emotions by hearing and validating your feelings.
In the following validation exercise, you will share what you needed from your parents that you didn’t get. You may have a close and loving
relationship with your parents today, but unmet childhood needs continue to negatively affect you and your relationship. This exercise is not about pointing the finger of blame at anyone. Instead, it is about your taking the responsibility to heal and help your spouse heal from childhood hurt and pain.
Validation Exercise
The wife will be “A” and will go first in sharing about any damage that was passed down and then what she needed from her father and her mother. Next, she will answer all the questions. Then switch roles, and the husband will and all the questions.
A: Tell your mate what damage has been passed down from your parents and how your life would be different if you could heal from it. B, listen carefully.
B: Repeat back what you heard.
A: Tell your mate what you needed from your father that you didn’t get.
B: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say…” and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,” etc.)
A: My relationship with my father affects our relationship by…
A: Tell your mate what you needed from your mother that you didn’t get.
B: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say…” and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,” etc.)
A: My relationship with my mother affects our relationship by…
Now it is B’s turn.
B: Tell your mate what damage has been passed down from your parents and how your life would be different if you could heal from it.
A: Repeat back what you heard.
B: Tell your mate what you needed from your father that you didn’t get.
A: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,” etc.)
B: My relationship with my father affects our relationship by…
B: Tell your mate what you needed from your mother that you didn’t get.
A: Repeat back what you heard and validate your mate’s feelings. (“What I heard you say… and “That must have been so hard.” or “I’m so sorry that happened,” etc. If the sharing was positive, then, “I’m so glad that was your experience growing up,” etc.)
B: My relationship with my mother affects our relationship by…
Be sure to give each other a good, long hug and thank each other for helping heal from hurts in the past so that your future can be brighter.