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May 30, 2023

Building Emotional Intimacy

How To Deeply Love Your Spouse

If we were to survey the most needed and desired quality in a relationship, no doubt most people would respond, “love.”  Just what is love? How do you love someone? What are the other qualities that make the other person feel loved? I’m not talking about “love languages” here. I am referring to the foundational attributes that are true for everyone, not just a particular love language type. These qualities create a lasting marriage marked by happiness and harmony. 

  1. UNITY

Unity is a quality that makes you feel in tandem with your spouse. It is the sense of being teammates, even though youmarriage retreat for couples The Cure body play different positions and have different opinions about strategy or timing. You come together, support one another, and think in terms of “we, ” not just “me.”  When division begins to put fissures and cracks in your foundation of unity, your relationship is in trouble. Guard against people or circumstances that could cause you to lose the unity that keeps you tethered to your spouse. The little things cause division between you, so be aware of any threat to your unity and deal with it immediately. Try always to reach a consensus in decisions. Value and validate your spouse’s feelings and opinions, even if you don’t share them. Unity is about sticking together and working through anything you face. 


To be devoted to each other’s happiness and well-being is another mark of deep love. It means you prioritize each other and prioritize your lover’s needs above your own. You’re not responsible for their happiness, but you are responsible to them to be faithful and loyal, so there is no doubt in their minds about your love for them. This is the “I would die for you” and the “I would die before I would betray you” faithfulness that gives your spouse security and increases their trust in you. They never feel safer emotionally than when they are with you.


When you lose respect for your spouse, your marriage is in trouble. It means you don’t value their thoughts or opinions, work or contribution to the household, values, character, etc. In short, you have lost those feelings of pride in them. You are not pleased to be seen or known as their husband or wife. You can’t love someone that you don’t respect. It is possible to feel other emotions – anger, pity, disgust – but not love. Respect, like trust, can be earned again, but it isn’t easy.


To be empathetic is to put yourself inside another person’s skin and feel what they feel, see what they see, and share their emotions. You are two different people, and you must grow in understanding of your spouse. No one should know them better or empathize with them more than you.   Being loved is being known and accepted for who you are by someone who “gets you.”


What does that mean? It means you are patient with your spouse, tolerant of their shortcomings, and show restraint in your words and actions. It means you deal with life and your relationship with calmness and composure. You don’t have a short fuse, and you don’t verbally attack your spouse. Being patient and accepting, not judgmental or critical, will help your spouse know how much you love them.


Admitting that you are wrong. Asking for forgiveness. Giving them the first choice in choosing their half of the piece of cake that you’re splitting. Not thinking that you are “better” than your spouse.   Not being prideful or arrogant. Refrain from assuming that you know what they will say or do. Not having a superior attitude. All of these are ways to exhibit humility with your spouse. Serving one other in every way possible is the mark of two humble, loving partners in a marriage.

These qualities are character qualities. Therefore, if you exhibit these qualities, your spouse will be drawn closer to you and feel deeply loved.

If you want to discuss how we can help you and your relationship, please get in touch with me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.

About the author 

Cliff Poe

Cliff Poe is Founder and Lead Coach for Recon Coaching. He and his wife, Jeani, are Master Coaches and their passion is to help individuals and couples form healthy, lasting and satisfying relationships. Cliff has a M.Div. in pastoral counseling and ministry. He enjoys writing and coaching as well as his family which includes 2 adult kids and their spouses, 6 grandchildren and a fur family composed of a Golden Retriever and a Mackerel Tabby.

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