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September 5, 2023

Keys To A Fullfilling Sex Life

Initiating Sex – Whose Job is It?

Sex, an integral part of human relationships, holds immense importance when it comes to intimacy and desire. However, a question that often arises in the minds of couples is who should take the lead in initiating sex. Should it solely be the responsibility of one partner?  It’s a simple question, but there is no simple answer.  Consider the following factors in thinking about your own sex life and how you and your spouse can make it more fulfilling for you both.

  • The Role of Society and Gender Stereotypes:Love Recon BUILDING Experiential INTIMACY hero

Your first discussion about the subject might be about unraveling societal expectations and norms surrounding sex initiation.  What did you learn about sex growing up? One or both of you might need to break free from traditional gender roles and assumptions. Freedom to express desire and to initiate lovemaking will require open communication to address any underlying concerns. Learn your spouse’s “sexual personality” so that your love life is based on the desires and needs of you both.

  • Personal Preferences and Individual Comfort:

Emphasize the significance of your individual preferences. You might want to make a list of all sexual expressions and then each of you share which are always okay with you, which are never okay, and which are okay if you initiate them. Create a safe space for discussing desires and boundaries and then honor those boundaries and fulfill those desires for one another. This will help you to feel safe and respected in your sexuality.

  • Equal Responsibility in Initiating Intimacy:

In most relationships, a shared responsibility for initiating sex is the ideal.  It fosters a sense of equality in the relationship.  Being desired by your partner can be a powerful aphrodisiac and meet the need for being loved and accepted.  Each of you should take the lead at different times. Decide the frequency of your lovemaking (2 times a week is typical) and then divide the responsibility of initiating it. So, if it’s twice a week, one of you could be responsible to initiate sometime Monday through Wednesday and the other could initiate sometime Thursday through Saturday. This loose schedule would still allow for spontaneity.

  • Navigating Desire Disparity:

Acknowledge that there is often a disparity in sex drives and the desire for sexual intimacy.  Be sensitive and non-judgmental and discuss strategies to bridge the gap and enhance intimacy. Discover what makes your partner feel loved and receptive for sex. The more that you understand your spouse’s sexual personality and needs, the greater their satisfaction, and yours, will be.

  • Overcoming Insecurities and Fear of Rejection:

Insecurities can and will hinder the initiation of lovemaking. Address these insecurities with each other or with a counselor or sex therapist.  You want to encourage a supportive and non-judgmental environment and highlight the importance of trust and open communication.

In the realm of initiating sex, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. It is crucial to recognize that societal expectations and gender stereotypes should not dictate the dynamics of intimacy within a relationship. Instead, it is essential to focus on individual preferences, comfort levels, and fostering a sense of equality.

By encouraging open communication, both partners can express their desires and boundaries freely, creating a safe space for exploration. The responsibility of initiating sex should be a shared endeavor, where both partners feel empowered to take the lead.

Furthermore, it is important to address and bridge the gap in desire disparity, understanding that different individuals may have different levels of sexual desire. By nurturing trust, addressing insecurities, and fostering a supportive environment, couples can navigate the complexities of initiating sex with confidence and satisfaction.

Remember, initiating sex is not about conforming to societal norms or adhering to rigid roles; it is about creating a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection, one that encompasses love, understanding, and mutual respect.

Don’t’ be afraid to seek out marriage help.  Love Recon offers resources such as relationship coaching and marriage retreats.   If you want to discuss how we can help you and your relationship, please get in touch with me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.

About the author 

Cliff Poe

Cliff Poe is Founder and Lead Coach for Recon Coaching. He and his wife, Jeani, are Master Coaches and their passion is to help individuals and couples form healthy, lasting and satisfying relationships. Cliff has a M.Div. in pastoral counseling and ministry. He enjoys writing and coaching as well as his family which includes 2 adult kids and their spouses, 6 grandchildren and a fur family composed of a Golden Retriever and a Mackerel Tabby.

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