Dealing With Selfishness In Marriage
We are all “selfish,” but that is not always bad. The selfishness that benefits you but doesn’t affect others negatively is more or less “neutral.” If your acts create a win/lose situation in which you are the winner, and others are the losers, then your selfishness would be “bad.” And really, you will be a loser, too, because you will have damaged your relationship, which may lead to its demise. Do you see where this is going? If you and the other person, for instance, your spouse, both win because your actions benefit you and them, that could be considered a “good” sort of selfishness.
Here are some steps to help you to make sure that your selfishness is the good kind.
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TALK – DON’T GRIPE!
Keep. Your conversation is positive and non-accusatory. Your selfish spouse will only grow defensive if you complain
about their selfishness. Instead, engage them in dialogue so you both may be heard and understood. Help them to know what your needs are using “I” statements, i.e., “I need _______, and if I could have it, I would feel ________.”
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SEEK TO UNDERSTAND
Your spouse could be selfish because they experienced childhood trauma which has caused them to watch out for themselves and ensure their needs are met. They are super-stressed about their job and career and have blinders on when it comes to anything or anyone else. Maybe they are operating under certain stereotypes, such as the macho male or the pampered princess because that is what they have been taught. These are not excuses for inconsiderate behavior, but they can give insight into how to better respond to selfishness in each other.
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PRACTICE MUTUAL AGREEMENT
To make decisions that affect your marriage without consulting your spouse is a form of selfishness. Getting the insight and perspective of your spouse and agreeing together on a course of action indicates that you are both valuable players on the team. It also prevents arguments and conflict later because you both had input and agreed on what you would do.
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ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
Watch and try to catch your spouse doing something unselfish or helpful. If it benefits or blesses you, thank them and tell them how it made you feel. This doesn’t mean you ignore the negatives, but you focus on the positives because it will motivate them to do more positive and unselfish acts in the future.
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BE ASSERTIVE AND PROTECT YOURSELF
Let your feelings about your spouse’s actions be known, especially if they repeat selfish behavior. Don’t yell but do use a firm tone of voice and choose your words wisely. Let them know the consequences if the behavior is not corrected. Protect yourself by never letting them take advantage of you.
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DON’T COVER OR MAKE EXCUSES
You must stop if you are covering their behavior or making excuses for their insensitivity to others. Your spouse must take responsibility and feel that guilt that is rightfully theirs. Trying to smooth things over with the kids, family members, or friends never works. Others are discerning and see the way things are. You make yourself look either pathetic, foolish, or both by trying to make everything okay.
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WORK WITH A RELATIONSHIP COACH
A trained and experienced marriage coach can help you work on yourselves and your relationship. The Love Recon Experience is an interactive four-day intensive led by master life coaches. It is designed to deal with the root causes of selfishness, the unhealed pain that drives unhealthy behaviors, and more.
If you want to know more about how we can help you build a strong marriage, please get in touch with me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.
