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May 3, 2023

Building Physical Intimacy

How to Put Romance in Your Relationship

What do you think of when asked about romance? What are some of the most beautiful romantic moments you’ve experienced or witnessed? Conversely, what are some of the most significant romantic FAILS you’ve experienced or witnessed? The truth is, romance is tough! You can know each other’s love language, treat each other respectfully, establish healthy boundaries, etc., and still miss out on romance. So what’s different about romance?

1. Tying it all together

Being romantic takes into account all of our learnings. Understanding your spouse’s needs, love languages, andLove Recon Simple and Quick Ways to Connect with Your Spouse body boundaries are essential to romance. Being thoughtful about everything you know about your spouse is the first step. What’s important to them? What’s frustrating to them? Candlelight and wine may be great for one couple, but a baseball game and nachos might be just as meaningful to another.

Working through your daily dyads, i.e., discussions as taught by Love Recon, helps us continue to understand our spouses’ evolving needs, wants, hopes, and challenges. Staying close and connected is critical to romance.

2. Being frequent

Thinking about each other regularly is important. Romance doesn’t always come as an “event.”  Affirm your spouse with little notes throughout the day, or even better, a phone call, because you just can’t wait to hear their voice. This is easier than ever with smartphones! The regularity and knowledge that your spouse is thinking of you makes the events even sweeter.

Buying the flower arrangement while you stop at the grocery store because you can’t stop thinking of her is a great way to be frequent. There are millions of ideas, don’t let them be rote but don’t be afraid to let them be small yet frequent.

Without daily discussions and touchpoints, the “event” is sometimes less meaningful and, in the worst cases, can be seen as manipulative. (Oh boy, we’re going on a “date” I wonder what he wants!)

3. Being playful

Have fun together. It’s ok to be a little competitive in good spirits. Some of the most romantic times come when we’re just playing a game, in faux competition, and being cute and snarky with each other.   It doesn’t have to be a physically competitive game. Make some side bets. Remember, sometimes losing is more fun than winning.

In short, don’t be afraid to goof around.

4. Timing is critical

Planning a night on the town the evening before finals or that big presentation does not consider your spouse’s needs. Doing something on a Friday night after an intense week of travel or work can make the event seem like just another task on the things-to-do list.

If we are plugged into our spouses, we will understand when the timing is good. We must plan for spontaneity to get the most meaning from the moment.   It’s unusual for a romantic evening to just happen. More often than not, one of the spouses has planned the event. Just be sure to leave time in the plan for the unexpected.

5.  Tear up the playbook

Here’s a definition of Romance – a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love—a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

While we tie it all together and plan for spontaneity, realize there are no rules. There is no correct answer to what makes a gesture, phrase, or event romantic. Instead, the excitement, surprise, mystery, and unexpected turn the moment from being thoughtful to romantic.

That said, don’t feel overly pressured to make every night romantic. If it were…it would, by definition, not be romantic!


Evaluate the last 12 months of your relationship. Can you think of fun times? Romantic times? Share with your partner the times that stick out in your mind and what made each moment memorable for you.   Just talking about it can put you both back into the experience and bring back the feelings of those special times.

If you are struggling in your relationship and unable to experience new romantic moments or positively relive the past ones, it’s time to get help from a marriage coach or counselor.

If you want to discuss how we can help you and your relationship, please get in touch with me at Cliff@LoveRecon.org or call 866-218-1716. You may also visit our website, www.LoveRecon.org, for testimonials and information.

About the author 

Cliff Poe

Cliff Poe is Founder and Lead Coach for Recon Coaching. He and his wife, Jeani, are Master Coaches and their passion is to help individuals and couples form healthy, lasting and satisfying relationships. Cliff has a M.Div. in pastoral counseling and ministry. He enjoys writing and coaching as well as his family which includes 2 adult kids and their spouses, 6 grandchildren and a fur family composed of a Golden Retriever and a Mackerel Tabby.

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